Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Unloading purposefully

Sometimes I get soooooo mad soooo angry -boiling with rage.... that I DO forget how scary it is. 
How no one EVER REALLY KNOWS (for sure) if I will stop with just yelling and throwing things.
Because at those times.... 
If I had a gun in my hand???
There is no doubt it would be going off! At SOMETHING... At anything. That's the thing.  

If you are OUT OF CONTROL.... It doesn't matter what you've got.
The shrapnel flys.... No stopping it.

And when I'm mad 
-i want it to hurt-
but ONLY because... I forgot what I know.
Not because I've changed my mind about how much I love you.  
But, because I forgot to "shoot" this out beforehand.
I forgot to unload the gun before I came in.  

And in the moments of madness 
-i really don't know me.  
Because I can't even see straight! And, I couldn't aim if I tried!  

So.... My goal is to FOCUS in my moments with other humans.  Especially my loved ones.
And to FOCUS my energy on things that are effective for me.  
Like making noise (singing) and moving (dancing) and making lots of messes (art).
If i don't make a mess on purpose.... I'm gonna make a mess accidentally.

ready to unload!😜

Your faveOxymoron ❤️les

PS I know I still owe some apologies…