I'll be back soon!!!

Lots of HUGE things in the works!!!   Just wanted to shout out "what what" to my peeps and let you know things are moving right a long...  And, I'll get something together (in the next coupla days) to summarize what's been going on.

Hugs and love to ALL!!!

Your Favorite Oxymoron...  Leslie Cooper!

My presence is my present...

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! 

Happy Season of GIFTS!

There are many important gifts this season. Gifts to be given, gifts to be received, gifts to be remembered, and gifts to be realized. I'd like to share a bit about the gift I have been enjoying lately and a little about how I came to realize it.

First off, I do want to acknowledge that it has been quite a while since you've heard from me. I want to assure you that it's not been for lack of working toward my goal of building a life worth living... Or out of a desire to keep to myself. I have actually thought of blogging many times since my last post. I was sure that fear or shame were behind my inactivity. As I begin to write this post though... I believe it’s more likely I just hadn't found the right words. Or possibly, I hadn't had the experiences necessary to put those words together and feel like they were correct and complete. Now that I have lived a little more and learned a lot more, I feel that I can express myself and be happy in the fullness of my expression. Now… I'm gonna express myself!

So, this gift I'd like to speak about… it’s a gift I was given the moment I was given life. The gift of that very moment. The gift of each moment. 

I don’t know at what point in my life I was blinded to it. Thoughts about my past or fear of my future began taking over my moments so early on that it is hard to find many clear and happy memories of my childhood or even adulthood. Years of my life were eclipsed by my inability to realize the moments available to me. What a vicious cycle…

As the cycle continued, it increased in its vigor and in its ability to obscure my present. I tried for years to overcome my pervasive depression, anxiety, etc. I tried several different therapists, countless psychotropic medications, self medicating with alcohol and other awful self destructive behavior… Most of these attempts at happiness or at least a life that was somewhat “livable” only opened the doors to more sadness, shame and most of all fear. 

I began weekly classes, aka “skills training”, in Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT) in December 2011. One major attention getter for me in my initial exposure to DBT was a silly little picture and description of the DBT House of Treatment. You can see a picture of it here. I guess what hit home for me most was all of the previous years in therapy that seemed to go nowhere besides the frequent downward spiral. DBT teaches four main skill sets ~ Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. For me, these skills needed to be in place BEFORE I hash out all the old and try to plan for a healthy future. And, I would soon realize how polar opposite my conditioned responses were to (almost all) situations around these topics and the preferred course of action. But, what about this MINDFULNESS business? At least the other stuff, although so ridiculously embarrassingly simple, made sense. Mindfulness seemed like a waste of time. A really REALLY uncomfortable waste of time. Or maybe I should just say… It freaked me the freaky freak out! And I just couldn’t “get it” during the first 10 months of weekly “skills training” classes, additional weekly sessions with my “DBT coach” (still seeing my regular therapist 2-3 times a week). So, after several downward spirals turned into devastating cyclones, my family gave me an ultimatum. This ultimatum took less than a week to spit upon (very different language than I was spitting out at the time). When all was said and done (on this point at least), I made a decision to spend some time in California. Not “on vacation”. Not “visiting friends”. Not “taking some classes”. With the help of my family, I checked myself in to Clearview Women’s Center, a residential mental health facility. It was one of a handful of places where I could completely focus on what I needed to learn in an environment that was safe for me and a little restrained. At Clearview, which has built an entire program around DBT, I would finally come to understand the meaning and benefits of Mindfulness. I learned to breathe at Clearview. I learned to be a witness to my body and mind and not to run from this awareness. I was able to identify triggers for my extreme emotions and I began to notice the role of my physical self in relation to my emotions. I also got lots of practice looking at situations and finding ways to deter or halt my emotions or satisfy some need in a healthy way instead of losing control. I learned about expression through art. I began to see the benefits of healthy relationships. I began to see patterns… good and bad. I became a DBT cheerleader! During my three months at Clearview Women’s Center, I gained a better understanding of what I needed in order to finish out my “basement level” or Stage 1 in the DBT House of Treatment. And, though I was not ready to leave, the money was gone and insurance had denied a final appeal for coverage and I had to leave with no “roof” over my head. I did have a foundation though and it was solid enough to get me through the tumultuous times to come with the knowledge that a rainbow was on the other side of the storms.

If people asked, and even when they didn’t… I’d say that the Clearview Women’s Center had almost everything. The thing they were missing was some interaction with animals. Not just petting them or playing with them (although that’s always a bonus when around animals)… But, as I knew from experience with my sheep (and other animals in my life), the benefits to be gained by working with and around animals are just SO great.

Some examples:

1.The act of taking care of something besides yourself~ humbling AND empowering

2.Problem solving~ dealing with the unexpected

3.Learning new skills~ building mastery

4.Visible & tangible signs of progress

5.Learning how to ask for help

6.Teamwork~ working with others toward a common goal

7.Exercise!

8.Sunshine! 

(you know I'm not finished yet!)

Now that I’ve got you wondering where on earth this blog has wandered… 

My moments… Several months after returning to Texas and getting back into my weekly DBT class and therapy 5 times a week… I was still missing so many of my moments! I had been threatening to volunteer somewhere… probably something to do with animals… maybe people too… like therapeutic horseback riding… or blah blah flimsy blah no commitment blah no plan blah blah. Then another blessing shot through space from my DBT coach/therapist iPhone to mine. “Oh, you want to volunteer? I heard about this…”, “DING!” Oh yeah, and this happened while sitting about three feet from one another during session. No pretending I didn’t get that text! Ha! Kinda kidding… I was terrified but a week later I was at the volunteer orientation for a horse rescue/therapeutic riding center. The next thing I knew I was on the schedule and the last pieces of the Mindfulness puzzle fell into place and into practice. When I began sharing space with these horses it came suddenly and naturally. I didn’t lug in old baggage and I had no expectations. I was aware and willing. I was thoughtful and purposeful. I did my best. I was not ashamed or afraid. I observed, described and participated ~ and I did it non-judgmentally, one-mindfully and down right effectively. And, most unexpectedly, I accomplished all of these things even when humans were in that space too!

I just thought I knew how beneficial working with animals could be. I have a feeling I have only scratched the surface…

Stay available to your moments this NEW year!

Your faveOM~Les

Gratitude

I'm RUBBER and you're GLUE...

And whatever you say in front of a 4 year old STICKS! Hahaha!  Thank goodness my sweet niece has only heard good things from me so far! Whew.

So, now that I've got your attention... I'll share the fun that Little Lou shared back with me! And quickly, cause I'm so very tired.

~ "Oh, I just love this piece of art work Aunt Les!"

~ "You should draw an elephant standing on top of a rhinoceros with a ..."  My reply, "I'm not sure I can draw all that."  And >>> "Well, if you don't think you can draw that... you can just draw them abstract!"

The grand finally was shared with me via my sister.

~ "Daddy, I am going to do some abstract art. Pull up a chair and let me tell you about abstract art."

On this note, I will say goodnight!

Goodnight!

Aunt Les,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

How fast is a 2 legged turtle???

Well, I guess it depends on which legs still work... and if the other legs are still hangin' on (dragging it down... literally) or if they are just out of the picture...  And, does it count if it's moving backwards???  What if it's has the back legs and they keep dragging the tenacious little turtle in the wrong direction?  What if the turtle figures out how to get the head and the tail to work with the lonely legs to form a four appendage team?  Is the turtle allowed to buddy up and form a strange little sack race type stance?

Thank goodness I'm not in charge of the rules in that race!

I have no idea why this particular question is plaguing me as sit on my bed ready & willing to go to sleep at a reasonable hour (for the second night in a row! go me!)...  I know ;-) this... I feel like a one legged turtle around 50% of the time.  A two legged turtle? 75%... but, they are both on the same side... 

I guess a turtle with any appendage is better off than a turtle on its back.  Then all the legs could do is flail about... until it finally gives up...

And, this brings me to the serous stuff...

My aunt, Ada Lou, is sick. She in the hospital. She is my mom's oldest sister, a tough woman, who has combatted an array of diseases since an early age.  I'm talking an almost constant battle with one serious thing following another. What she will not be able to kick is (to me) scarier than any of the others... something I have seen take my Uncle Chuck and their mother... my MawMaw.

Ada Lou has Alzheimer's Disease.

Alzheimer's Disease is so ugly. It is so scary.  And, I think (at this point at least) that's all I want to say about it.

But, if you don't mind, keep my Aunt Lou and her family in your prayers.  And my mom, Betty, who has witnessed way more of the ugly than I'd ever wish on anybody.

Be gentle to yourselves and your families this weekend...

Goodnight,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

DANG!

I can't tell you how many times I have told someone I love (and random people on the street... probably)... "Remind me of this when I forget!"

SO... if anyone actually attempted the gentle reminder??? I am sure I would spit fire! Who knows what could be turned to cinders... yikes

I've just been wondering... When you have so many things to remember and practice BUT they aren't things that come up on a regular basis... H O W D O (I AM CURSING MYSELF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST SAW MY ANSWER WRITTEN IN THE SKY!!! Metaphorically of course...)

PRACTICE!!!

SON OF AN UGLY DONKEY! I should have seen this one coming...

I'm gonna have to get back to you on this one though.  I've got to get up early and do my (orange) yoga practice.  Long story.  Need sleep.  And practice.

Nighty nighty!
Les,
Your Favorite Oxymoron :-P

opposite action... sometimes it's BACKWARDS!?!

Well, have I got a doozy for you?!?!?  I re-recognized this weekend that Opposite Action isn't always the "action" you think it should be!  Well... LA-a-ah-TEE-DA (as Grandpa always said)...  I really wish someone had written a rule book for me here!  Funny (aka SAD) thing is, I might have gone ahead and read it! I know I would have bought it! haha... Who knows if I would have understood it!?!?  [insert smiley face with one of those ptdhhhhhhhhhAHHH!!!s]  Well, I guess it's time for me to explain myself...

Sometimes... Opposite Action... is saying, "I can't.", "I don't understand.", "No thank you.", etc.

Maybe I am the only one who seems conflicted here?  All I know is that sometimes my immediate and SUPER POWERFUL instinct is to say... "Sure!!!", "I'm so glad you asked!",  "I'd love to!", "I'll get right on that!", "No problem!", and on and on and on and on... I have an instinctual feeling that I should DO.  Even some things that I am just not capable of doing.

It seems the mountain I am about to climb will sound more like... "I don't know if I have time.", "I don't know how that works.", "Are you speaking English?!?!?!" and my favorite... "NO!" 

So, this is one of the greatest quandaries of my life...  When to STRIVE for GREATNESS and when to say... "I give!"???

My example includes frustration, confusion, fear, shame, procrastination, hope, great ideas, trust, last minute cover my butt's, disappointment AND a lesson.  Unfortunately, the lesson is not my first and probably not my last on this particular subject. So, here goes...

I was asked, to my great honor, to create a picture for the front of my mom's 4th grade Vacation Bible School class.  The theme is ironically FEAR.  Ha!  And, I had HUGE ideas bubbling up in my head for a week or two!  Well, because I want you to keep on reading, I will try to be concise... I started way later than I should have.  I was WAY too detailed!  Just to give you an idea... I was trying to make the roller coaster car sparkle NOT with glitter (which seems so obvious now...) but by using a heat fusible fiber and shaping it to give dimension.  The greenery was made from the funny papers wadded up and smeared with green acrylic paint. And the sky needed wool!  I mean DUH!  Also... pictures of my nieces/dads hands enlarged and used to be lifelike. All of this was going to hang on butcher paper for a week and then torn down and thrown away.  I was sure I could do it. And I knew there was NO WAY. Oh, and do we think that I let anyone know what was going on or NOT going on with my door hanging? No... not until I had given up and sat staring... day dreaming about how it should have been and trying to figure out how I could make it work... and watching (almost tangibly) the panic build in me as I tried to figure out how to tell my mom that I just couldn't. When I finally got the words out (and tried like mad to not make my mom feel bad for asking me!!!) we were in to the final 24 hours before the kiddos would walk through that door...

Don't worry... Mom and Pops got their heads together and whipped together a perfect door hanging! And, I tried to explain myself. I was honored to be asked. I wanted to do it! I think I will be capable of doing something like this in the future. This time... I learned a lesson and got my butt saved again.

So, Opposite Action Day and Opposite Day ARE NOT THE SAME! The idea behind Opposite Action is to do the most effective thing possible. Effective Action Day just doesn't have the same ring to it...
:-P

Have a great Opposite Action Day!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron