Anniversary Blog! & Say WHAT?

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~

(1884-1962)

My question: Which "thing I think I cannot do" should I start with?

So, today marks one month since the inception of this blog. And... it's possible I should give myself some credit. (I'm sure I'd hear about it if I didn't...)

I was terrified to start this though. Not only was I afraid of people seeing me, I was afraid of seeing myself. fail. again. And I was really afraid of what would happen next. That last statement includes what would happen if something really were to come of this! Win! Win! Fear... Ick...

But, when I look back to these few posts... I do recognize the strength AND courage AND confidence I have gained in such a short time. Each post has catapulted me through to the next post. And, I feel an excitement when I'm writing them! The fear is still great big and really ugly AND I bulldoze my way through it.

Someone once told me to "imagine what it would look like to use all that negative energy (anger, shame, and fear) for good". Well, if that's what I'm warming up to...

Everybody... WATCH OUT!

Because that is where over 30 years of energy has been building!

And, if you've ever met "The Hulk" you know what I'm talking about! Can I hear an Amen? AMEN! I thought so...

Well, huh. What's next? I did start Tweeting again... I'm @faveoxymoron . This is pretty exciting for me too. I'll tell you why another time...

Later!

Your Favorite Oxymoron,
Leslie

Better Get to Livin' (warning: lots of repeating myself for dramatic effect AND !!!'s)

What do you do when your life is so far from being where or how you want it, that you don't even know what "it" would look like if you were there??? Well, I can tell you what you shouldn't do! NOTHING... Cause nuthin' never got nobody nowhere!!! And I know all about that. :-/

I have a fine example for you. Let's go for a walk down ole' Memory Lane...

Once upon a time in a land Ahh, forget it! I guess it's more like Sedentary Street AND I am just now packing(?) or unpacking(?). Who knows? So many double negatives and the like I am gettin' CORN-fused! Anyway, I have been "temporarily" residing in my parents home for over two years now. (Yes, I said OVER TWO years. Oh, yes. I did...) The thing is, when I moved my boxes and my body into their house I forgot to pack my spirit. Probably because it had been beaten down for so long (I contributed to that, a smidge) that I thought it was trash and I dumped it.

Since "the move", I have literally been living out of boxes. Living - Out - Of - Boxes!!! But really, why would I unpack? I mean, it is NOT where a girl wants to live on her 33rd birthday! LET ALONE HER 35th!

So now, over two years have passed. I can't tell you nothing has changed. Things have changed! But, I still wasn't satisfied. And therefore, the way I spent my time didn't change. I still spent my time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future or other people and their problems and how I could help or how I could ignore or how I could have or should have blah blah blah! And I hid, behind people and things and situations and even sheep - whatever! And, for a long long time I wasn't even inching forward.

Just because I am not where I "wanted" to be at this point in my life or because I am "behind" in the race of life does NOT mean I stop living! In fact, the opposite should be true! (Wink wink.) Don't ya see?

I don't want to continue "residing" here, in this house, and I do NOT want to continue camping out mentally either. And yet I do reside here right this moment with my loving and supportive parents. What an opportunity! So, here's the deal, if I'm living in the moment AND preparing for my future there is no waiting until it looks and feels like I think it should. I've got to work and build that life worth living. And THIS moment, right now, I am making a commitment to myself that I won't stop. Even when the process seems futile. Even if I get hit by a tornado or two. I will pick myself up and collect the broken pieces and make something beautiful from them. And, while I reside in this house I am going to LIVE in this house. It will be like I am setting up a model for my future. Let's see what works! Let's take advantage of every moment and practice what works and change what doesn't. Otherwise I won't really know what the life I want looks and feels like. Will I now?

I'm starting out VERY simply... This is a corner of my "Big Room". Which is really the attic over the three car garage. And it is a great space for me! I've just got to use it. Which... I am!

I set up this little artistic space in the corner. That is my dad's 1st drafting table that he got in 10th grade! I hung some of my favorite art work I have done and one AWFUL attempt that might just be my favorite because of that very fact. haha. I wrapped a bunch of scraps from yarns I've spun around a broomstick and put it in the corner. I really like that for some reason... And, one of my very favorite possessions is getting some use again... my fantabulous gold velvet couch!!! I know... its quite a start... Who "nose" where this might lead??? ;-)

One more thing... Good ole' Dolly Parton has a song that summarizes this pretty well. It is called "Better Get To Livin"... how bout that? And, I tell you what, you should really watch this music viedo. As if Dolly wasn't enough of a character she recruited Amy Sedaris (one of my all time favorite famous people. both of these ladies actually!) to help out! What a couple of nuts! Like the best kind of nuts!

What Judgement?

Oh, wait! Every day is Opposite Action Day! Not Opposite Day...

Well, then... (negative) judgments stand! And I won't make this fella/gal/demon possessed/fruit/nut stand alone... I drove at least a mile out of my way to try and catch this guy with his breaks, I mean angry eyes on. :-/ So, yes, he/she/it was not the only "nut" on the street. But, we already knew that, didn't we?

Have a great Opposite Action Day y'all! ;-)

Sincerely,

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron!

ps. AND following "it" didn't even make me late to work!!!

I'm ALIVE post: FOUND

I'm ALIVE post: MIA
don't know what happened to todays post. trying to not get discouraged and just figure out a way to not have it happen again. i don't think i could duplicate today's post if i tried so i am unsure of what to do about it. i do think that it was an important one for me... and hopefully someone else... anyway, i'm gonna hit the hay ya'll.

sweet dreams,

leslie,
your favorite oxymoron

AND... IT'S BACK!!! THANKS BLOGGER FRIENDS!!! <3 <3 <3 oh, and the post is right here... I'm Alive!

I'm Alive!

I'm writing this post on the fly this morning... And, I'm writing it because the last time I was frantic and I wrote a post it helped. Big time! Oh maaaaaaan!!! Now, I am wanting to figure out why it helped so much! Ok, so... I am going to "shelve" that topic since it wouldn't be effective to think about it now. And... it's shelved.
:-P

Today will be my first day back in the office (during office hours, aka. when people are there.) SINCE 10/11/12. I will go more into the reasons why in a later post, when I have time to sit and contemplate my words. This post is reserved for going back. Now, most people probably know how it feels to go back to work after a few sick days. Right? Does anyone ever feel like people are judging them about "WHY?" they actually took the days off and have a tinge of guilt or shame about whether they were actually sick enough to NOT come in to the office OR if they really just wanted a day off? Whew! Let me catch my breath... Ok, so, does anyone know what I'm talking about? I have a feeling I am not alone here... But, a lot of times I am on a different "train" than most...

Well, my experience here, today, is causing a lot of shame to want to erupt... right on out of my mouth... And, I left all my buckets at the barn!

Anxiety is a KILLER! A killer of spirit and action.

And today, I MUST FIGHT BACK!

And today, I will celebrate the fact that I'm ALIVE!

I have a good job. I have a great family! I have my sheeps! I have a Holy Father! I have supportive friends! I have a future! I have goals and hopes and dreams!

I am going to "Opposite Action" my way right through that door as if no event or lack there of has happened between today and 10/11/12.

WOO HOO! Look at me all amped up to go to work! Hahaha! This bloggy thing is working already! ;-)

I do want to leave you on this blog today... with a song. I played this song over and over and over again the week I was planning to come back to Texas. And, I played this song for some of my friends and some of the ladies who helped me get to the point where I COULD ACTUALLY SING THIS SONG AND MEAN IT!!!

The song is titled "I'm Alive", and it moves me so to hear Willie Nelson sing it. I hope you will stop and listen to it too. My wish for everyone who reads this blog is, that you too can sing this song, and MEAN IT, with Willie and ME .

Here it is on Youtube:


With hope,

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron <3

Say WHAT?

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

~ Winston Churchill ~

British politician (1874 - 1965)

This pretty much summarizes my greatest lesson of the past several months. Well, ok, two of the greatest anyway... :-P

And now, I will present to you TWO, that's right! TWO of my mega show stopping fears...

drumroll please...

Speaking up when it's necessary!

AND...

drumroll again(?)... please(!)...

Shutting UP when it's time to listen!

So, in the spirit of speaking up and shutting up listening ;-) LET'S MAKE THIS INTERACTIVE!!!

Do you relate to this "quote" somehow? Do you have a different perspective regarding this "quote"? Do you just want to make me smile by leaving a little something in the comments section???

I'm going out on a limb here folks! Addressing more great fears of rejection and failure here... So, help a girl out and tell me something!

With much gratitude,

Leslie,

Your Favorite Oxymoron <3

Say WHAT?

“Let him who would move the world, first move himself.”

~ Socrates ~

Greek Philosopher (470 BC- 399 BC)

I love quotes! Love love love them! Sometimes, they sting a little...

Warmly,

Leslie,

Your Favorite Oxymoron

"Opposite Action" IN action!

I am sensing the need to explain "Opposite Action" a little more extensively as I come upon a mega big need for some. Or, maybe I am sensing a need to remind myself???

Today is my nieces birthday... Which is a fabulous event in anyone's life! Especially a 4 year olds!!! And what do you do on such a fabulous day? You have a fantabulous party! And guess who will be there? Everyone!!! Ha...

Now these people that I speak of are all wonderful, supportive, caring folks... otherwise they would not be invited to the party!!! You know what I'm sayin'? The thing is I am absoTOOTly terrified to see "people". I have never been really comfortable in groups. I do better one on one. (notice I said better?) I have SEVERE social anxiety. I am constantly afraid I will say something weird and make someone uncomfortable or act uncomfortable myself and make the situation even worse! Also, I have this lovely fear that I will just plain RUIN the day for whomever the "day" is for. In this case it's LC's big day... I once "RUINED" her moms (my baby sister) big day... But, apparently I was the only one who noticed! It was during A&K's wedding where I read and stuttered through a passage in the Bible AND handed her bouquet to her at the wrong time and had to take it back(!) AND laughed out loud when I thought the preacher made a joke(!)... but, he hadn't(!!!)... (I swear I thought he said something about the rings being "elastic" when he really said "a lasting".) So, after the ceremony I went directly to her and said, "I'm so sorry I ruined your wedding." She had no clue what I was talking about! Thing is, I still haven't been able to shake my guilt... almost a decade later.

One of reasons to use "Opposite Action" is when a painful emotion (which is REAL and VALID! EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE can make sense of it!!!) starts workin' on you and gets WAY out of proportion for the situation... you have an opportunity to decrease the suffering or possibly even replace the emotion with a less distressing or maybe even pleasant emotion.

So, every emotion has a cause (again, EVEN if no one including myself understand that cause!). And every emotion gives a charge of energy to get into action. In the case of fear, it will send you running! Which, in some cases, is totally appropriate! When running isn't the appropriate or effective action??? THAT my friend is when it is high time you practice some "Opposite Action"... Guess how you do that??? (hahaha wink wink) You practice Opposite Action by challenging it and acting OPPOSITE to it! And guess what that means for yours truly today? Going to the party. Celebrating with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. And gettin' down at that par-tay!

I am NOT denying that I am afraid. Or that I have some shame hanging around. I am just going to use this brilliant skill to get through the moments. My emotions may be perfectly valid (possibly the shame is in the wrong spot...) but, they are definitely out of proportion to the situation!

The really really really fun (sarcastic tone being used because that's what I do...) part of this technique/skill IS... I may not see any changes. At least not today. But, if I continue to practice this skill when I am afraid, angry, lonely and depressed, etc. I WILL see changes and I WILL be able to enjoy the fun things in life! And, that IS what I deserve!

So, here I go! I'm taking it moment by moment because I know I can have fun at this party. And I will enjoy getting and giving lots of hugs to the birthday girl AND the lovely people whom I haven't seen in a loooooong (that might be an inappropriate amount of o's for this particular situation... but I'm feelin' it so I'm typing it!) time and mean me absolutely NO harm and ONLY want good things for me. :-)

Yours truly,

Leslie C.,
Your VERY Favorite Oxymoron

time flies when...

Time flies when... well, all the time. Doesn't it? And, no matter what, I always feel unprepared for the next thing on the horizon.

One week ago today I moved out of my second home. It was definitely not the second house I have ever lived in. I think I lived through 5 houses before I was out of high school. But, home wise? That is surly only two. And the thing that I recognized a week and one days ago was a whopper! It was one of those "lightbulb moments" I will talk about frequently on this blog. The kind that are blinding! Sometimes the light is a long awaited one. Sometimes I don't even know I've seen it until I start telling someone else and I can't shake those irritating sun spots! This one was a little of both. I will share an excerpt from an email I wrote to my DBT class facilitator/therapist here in Texas.


January 30, 2013:
"I am really really really nervous. I am so glad I will have a little break with my friend this weekend. Whew. It will be a much needed vacation. Have u checked out the blog yet? Just wondering... You might like it." :-P

"I am sure you have felt what I'm feeling right now... I feel like I'm leaving home instead of coming home. Like I have to cut this umbilical cord and strike out on my own. Funny, I just realized that I never did this with my family, EVER! Even my actual umbilical cord started rotting and stinking and wouldn't fall off! Mom and Dad called the doctor who told Dad he had to pull it off! Whew... I really didn't want to let go... of that dependence... of having to take care of myself, by myself... I now know that when I do cut the actual cord it isn't like cutting off part of me! The things that I am separating from don't disappear! They are a part of me now! It is just the wormy tube of jelly (gross!) that I am getting rid of. It is just time to start feeding myself... That's sumthin..."


Now, I still agree that "that's sumthin"... Don't get me wrong! I also know this... The time I was writing that email I had run out of options... at least any that kept me in California. My second home. My place of residence and refuge. My safe place where I did a massive amount of growing up and where I felt (for the first time in my life) like I belonged. I know that I would have struggled leaving "home" at any point (which is possibly one of the reasons I never really did in the first place...) AND I still feel this came a little prematurely. But, some things are just way beyond my control, no matter how hard I try to wrangle them.

My farewell last Thursday day was pretty darn unbelievable. You want to see the excerpt? ;-) I titled this email (to my family and DBT therapist), I'm safe in bed all tucked in and hopefully passing out any minute...


January 31, 2013:
What a day... What a day... I think it will take me a while to recover from this one! Whew-wee... It was wonderful though. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. I've been trying to figure out why it felt so different... Besides the fact that it felt like home... (No offense fam! I just didn't feel alien there. That's all. It is different but the same.) You probably know what I'm talking about. When you are with people you love like family because it is such a great connection. AND, when I walked in to a room I was funny(!) rather than feeling like the butt of a joke!

These women, that I worked so hard with and admired so very much, said some things that I will never forget. Well, I guess I will never forget the way I felt when the words were spoken. Cause I couldn't remember half of them the moment after. Ha. It was soooooooo sad. It was sooooo huge. And it was sooo beautiful and hopeful. It felt good. I felt and still feel that the things they said are true... That's weird, isn't it???

Alright, well it's about that time..."


And, guess who fell asleep before I finished or sent my "don't worry about me I'm safe at my friends home" email? I did! My computer battery had run out completely by the time I woke the next morning to it sitting open on the edge of my bed. I apparently didn't move a muscle. Thank goodness!

So, this past week has been interesting to say the least. I spent the first half of it painting with friends on a beautiful patio, developing silly new dance moves (aka. New Opposite Action Moves!), giggling, crying, reminiscing and making memories. The second half has been almost identical weather wise, giggling wise, crying wise, reminiscing and making memories wise. Overall, I shouldn't complain. ha! I am loveloveloveloveloving spending more time with my sheeps! Farming and shepherding were the two things I couldn't access in California. It just wasn't gonna happen... I have had some fantastic reunions with my sweet niece (among other sweet family members). I am working with my DBT therapist again and rerooting myself in a weekly class. Next week I will conquer the office! And who nose ;-) what will be next??? If you do, please don't tell me! One thing at a time ~ ONLY! And sleep is next right now...

Sweet dreams ladies and gents!

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

<3 and you know that saying "Home is where the heart is."  I'll take YOU (my home and my heart) with me everywhere i go... sounds nice...

Check back later today!!!

New post in the making!

How bout later Thursday??? ha! I forget I have to live too!

<3 Your Favorite Oxymoron <3