"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~
(1884-1962)
My question: Which "thing I think I cannot do" should I start with?
So, today marks one month since the inception of this blog. And... it's possible I should give myself some credit. (I'm sure I'd hear about it if I didn't...)
I was terrified to start this though. Not only was I afraid of people seeing me, I was afraid of seeing myself. fail. again. And I was really afraid of what would happen next. That last statement includes what would happen if something really were to come of this! Win! Win! Fear... Ick...
But, when I look back to these few posts... I do recognize the strength AND courage AND confidence I have gained in such a short time. Each post has catapulted me through to the next post. And, I feel an excitement when I'm writing them! The fear is still great big and really ugly AND I bulldoze my way through it.
Someone once told me to "imagine what it would look like to use all that negative energy (anger, shame, and fear) for good". Well, if that's what I'm warming up to...
Everybody... WATCH OUT!
Because that is where over 30 years of energy has been building!
And, if you've ever met "The Hulk" you know what I'm talking about! Can I hear an Amen? AMEN! I thought so...
Well, huh. What's next? I did start Tweeting again... I'm @faveoxymoron . This is pretty exciting for me too. I'll tell you why another time...
What do you do when your life is so far from being where or how you want it, that you don't even know what "it" would look like if you were there??? Well, I can tell you what you shouldn't do! NOTHING... Cause nuthin' never got nobody nowhere!!! And I know all about that. :-/
I have a fine example for you. Let's go for a walk down ole' Memory Lane...
Once upon a time in a land Ahh, forget it! I guess it's more like Sedentary Street AND I am just now packing(?) or unpacking(?). Who knows? So many double negatives and the like I am gettin' CORN-fused! Anyway, I have been "temporarily" residing in my parents home for over two years now. (Yes, I said OVER TWO years. Oh, yes. I did...) The thing is, when I moved my boxes and my body into their house I forgot to pack my spirit. Probably because it had been beaten down for so long (I contributed to that, a smidge) that I thought it was trash and I dumped it.
Since "the move", I have literally been living out of boxes. Living - Out - Of - Boxes!!! But really, why would I unpack? I mean, it is NOT where a girl wants to live on her 33rd birthday! LET ALONE HER 35th!
So now, over two years have passed. I can't tell you nothing has changed. Things have changed! But, I still wasn't satisfied. And therefore, the way I spent my time didn't change. I still spent my time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future or other people and their problems and how I could help or how I could ignore or how I could have or should have blah blah blah! And I hid, behind people and things and situations and even sheep - whatever! And, for a long long time I wasn't even inching forward.
Just because I am not where I "wanted" to be at this point in my life or because I am "behind" in the race of life does NOT mean I stop living! In fact, the opposite should be true! (Wink wink.) Don't ya see?
I don't want to continue "residing" here, in this house, and I do NOT want to continue camping out mentally either. And yet I do reside here right this moment with my loving and supportive parents. What an opportunity! So, here's the deal, if I'm living in the moment AND preparing for my future there is no waiting until it looks and feels like I think it should. I've got to work and build that life worth living. And THIS moment, right now, I am making a commitment to myself that I won't stop. Even when the process seems futile. Even if I get hit by a tornado or two. I will pick myself up and collect the broken pieces and make something beautiful from them. And, while I reside in this house I am going to LIVE in this house. It will be like I am setting up a model for my future. Let's see what works! Let's take advantage of every moment and practice what works and change what doesn't. Otherwise I won't really know what the life I want looks and feels like. Will I now?
I'm starting out VERY simply... This is a corner of my "Big Room". Which is really the attic over the three car garage. And it is a great space for me! I've just got to use it. Which... I am!
I set up this little artistic space in the corner. That is my dad's 1st drafting table that he got in 10th grade! I hung some of my favorite art work I have done and one AWFUL attempt that might just be my favorite because of that very fact. haha. I wrapped a bunch of scraps from yarns I've spun around a broomstick and put it in the corner. I really like that for some reason... And, one of my very favorite possessions is getting some use again... my fantabulous gold velvet couch!!! I know... its quite a start... Who "nose" where this might lead??? ;-)
One more thing... Good ole' Dolly Parton has a song that summarizes this pretty well. It is called "Better Get To Livin"... how bout that? And, I tell you what, you should really watch this music viedo. As if Dolly wasn't enough of a character she recruited Amy Sedaris (one of my all time favorite famous people. both of these ladies actually!) to help out! What a couple of nuts! Like the best kind of nuts!
Oh, wait! Every day is Opposite Action Day! Not Opposite Day...
Well, then... (negative) judgments stand! And I won't make this fella/gal/demon possessed/fruit/nut stand alone... I drove at least a mile out of my way to try and catch this guy with his breaks, I mean angry eyes on. :-/ So, yes, he/she/it was not the only "nut" on the street. But, we already knew that, didn't we?
Have a great Opposite Action Day y'all! ;-)
Sincerely,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron!
ps. AND following "it" didn't even make me late to work!!!
I'm ALIVE post: MIA
don't know what happened to todays post. trying to not get discouraged and just figure out a way to not have it happen again. i don't think i could duplicate today's post if i tried so i am unsure of what to do about it. i do think that it was an important one for me... and hopefully someone else... anyway, i'm gonna hit the hay ya'll.
sweet dreams,
leslie,
your favorite oxymoron
AND... IT'S BACK!!! THANKS BLOGGER FRIENDS!!! <3 <3 <3
oh, and the post is right here... I'm Alive!
I'm writing this post on the fly this morning... And, I'm writing it because the last time I was frantic and I wrote a post it helped. Big time! Oh maaaaaaan!!! Now, I am wanting to figure out why it helped so much! Ok, so... I am going to "shelve" that topic since it wouldn't be effective to think about it now. And... it's shelved. :-P
Today will be my firstday back in the office (during office hours, aka. when people are there.) SINCE 10/11/12. I will go more into the reasons why in a later post, when I have time to sit and contemplate my words. This post is reserved for going back. Now, most people probably know how it feels to go back to work after a few sick days. Right? Does anyone ever feel like people are judging them about "WHY?" they actually took the days off and have a tinge of guilt or shame about whether they were actually sick enough to NOT come in to the office OR if they really just wanted a day off? Whew! Let me catch my breath... Ok, so, does anyone know what I'm talking about? I have a feeling I am not alone here... But, a lot of times I am on a different "train" than most...
Well, my experience here, today, is causing a lot of shame to want to erupt... right on out of my mouth... And, I left all my buckets at the barn!
Anxiety is a KILLER! A killer of spirit and action.
Andtoday, I MUST FIGHT BACK!
And today, I will celebrate the fact that I'm ALIVE!
I have a good job. I have a great family! I have my sheeps! I have a Holy Father! I have supportive friends! I have a future! I have goals and hopes and dreams!
I am going to "Opposite Action" my way right through that door as if no event or lack there of has happened between today and 10/11/12.
WOO HOO! Look at me all amped up to go to work! Hahaha! This bloggy thing is working already! ;-)
I do want to leave you on this blog today... with a song. I played this song over and over and over again the week I was planning to come back to Texas. And, I played this song for some of my friends and some of the ladies who helped me get to the point where I COULD ACTUALLY SING THIS SONG AND MEAN IT!!!
The song is titled "I'm Alive", and it moves me so to hear Willie Nelson sing it. I hope you will stop and listen to it too. My wish for everyone who reads this blog is, that you too can sing this song, and MEAN IT, with Willie and ME .
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
~ Winston Churchill ~
British politician (1874 - 1965)
This pretty much summarizes my greatest lesson of the past several months. Well, ok, two of the greatest anyway... :-P
And now, I will present to you TWO, that's right! TWO of my mega show stopping fears...
drumroll please...
Speaking up when it's necessary!
AND...
drumroll again(?)... please(!)...
Shutting UP when it's time to listen!
So, in the spirit of speaking up and shutting up listening ;-) LET'S MAKE THIS INTERACTIVE!!!
Do you relate to this "quote" somehow? Do you have a different perspective regarding this "quote"? Do you just want to make me smile by leaving a little something in the comments section???
I'm going out on a limb here folks! Addressing more great fears of rejection and failure here... So, help a girl out and tell me something!
