opposite action... sometimes it's BACKWARDS!?!

Well, have I got a doozy for you?!?!?  I re-recognized this weekend that Opposite Action isn't always the "action" you think it should be!  Well... LA-a-ah-TEE-DA (as Grandpa always said)...  I really wish someone had written a rule book for me here!  Funny (aka SAD) thing is, I might have gone ahead and read it! I know I would have bought it! haha... Who knows if I would have understood it!?!?  [insert smiley face with one of those ptdhhhhhhhhhAHHH!!!s]  Well, I guess it's time for me to explain myself...

Sometimes... Opposite Action... is saying, "I can't.", "I don't understand.", "No thank you.", etc.

Maybe I am the only one who seems conflicted here?  All I know is that sometimes my immediate and SUPER POWERFUL instinct is to say... "Sure!!!", "I'm so glad you asked!",  "I'd love to!", "I'll get right on that!", "No problem!", and on and on and on and on... I have an instinctual feeling that I should DO.  Even some things that I am just not capable of doing.

It seems the mountain I am about to climb will sound more like... "I don't know if I have time.", "I don't know how that works.", "Are you speaking English?!?!?!" and my favorite... "NO!" 

So, this is one of the greatest quandaries of my life...  When to STRIVE for GREATNESS and when to say... "I give!"???

My example includes frustration, confusion, fear, shame, procrastination, hope, great ideas, trust, last minute cover my butt's, disappointment AND a lesson.  Unfortunately, the lesson is not my first and probably not my last on this particular subject. So, here goes...

I was asked, to my great honor, to create a picture for the front of my mom's 4th grade Vacation Bible School class.  The theme is ironically FEAR.  Ha!  And, I had HUGE ideas bubbling up in my head for a week or two!  Well, because I want you to keep on reading, I will try to be concise... I started way later than I should have.  I was WAY too detailed!  Just to give you an idea... I was trying to make the roller coaster car sparkle NOT with glitter (which seems so obvious now...) but by using a heat fusible fiber and shaping it to give dimension.  The greenery was made from the funny papers wadded up and smeared with green acrylic paint. And the sky needed wool!  I mean DUH!  Also... pictures of my nieces/dads hands enlarged and used to be lifelike. All of this was going to hang on butcher paper for a week and then torn down and thrown away.  I was sure I could do it. And I knew there was NO WAY. Oh, and do we think that I let anyone know what was going on or NOT going on with my door hanging? No... not until I had given up and sat staring... day dreaming about how it should have been and trying to figure out how I could make it work... and watching (almost tangibly) the panic build in me as I tried to figure out how to tell my mom that I just couldn't. When I finally got the words out (and tried like mad to not make my mom feel bad for asking me!!!) we were in to the final 24 hours before the kiddos would walk through that door...

Don't worry... Mom and Pops got their heads together and whipped together a perfect door hanging! And, I tried to explain myself. I was honored to be asked. I wanted to do it! I think I will be capable of doing something like this in the future. This time... I learned a lesson and got my butt saved again.

So, Opposite Action Day and Opposite Day ARE NOT THE SAME! The idea behind Opposite Action is to do the most effective thing possible. Effective Action Day just doesn't have the same ring to it...
:-P

Have a great Opposite Action Day!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron  

They used to call me "Grace" because I am so graceful. Right...

I am exhausted today. Truthfully, this is all I can muster blog-wise. But, I want to try and be more consistent so... What about all those almost finished posts? I thought I could tune one up real quick but the words on the screen were unintelligible.

So, I thought I'd share a bit of my AWESOME video and editing skills! Hahahaha! I made the music and everything!

Filmed May 8th of 2012. My sister's birthday. Her first born, Leah, was directing a game of follow the leader which later morphed into "Follow the Leah" (a more appropriate name as you can see...).

Maybe I should go and run like Leah (or Phoebe on Friends) around the neighborhood and see if that will reenergize me? Anyone up for joining me? Hahaha

Have a fantastic holiday weekend everybody!

Stay safe.
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Nothing to do but fall behind...

I was about to start this post out with a "Why" question... but, before I could even type it out, I knew the answer! So, I'll switch it up a little... Why is it that laziness breeds laziness? I mean, why do you need rest to live AND if you take it one minute too far it will only encourage slothliness? I need to have an invisible electric fence line that will *ZAP* me in to action just before I cross it! Otherwise it's just too easy to k.e.e.p.. o..n... s-l-o-w-i-n-g d--o--w--n... I also know that this very fact-o-business is one of the greatest reasons that Opposite Action is something I believe in. And, if I could just remember the concrete evidence that I have not only WITNESSED but EXPERIENCED... then I wouldn't even NEED to opposite action my butt out of here!

And, since I don't have a fence and I don't have my own personal cheerleader, I guess I am just going to have to do this myself.

Situations are usually beyond our control. Absolute control anyway. Oh boy, I suddenly remember promising myself something (and posting it here with the unfortunate fortunate result of rubbing it in my own face of reminding me of things I've already learned. DANG blabbermouth!!!) Oh yeah! That was part of a sentence!!! Ok. I remember saying that I would pick up the pieces of any "mess" I found myself in and try to make something beautiful. So... I can do that. I can try anyway. So, shouldn't the regular everyday uncomfortable situations be easier to deal with? Probably so. I probably am just not as motivated by the mundane as I am the catastrophes. I am kinda hating that I just admitted that one. :-P

Ok, so, right now. What to do right now? Do I go "all out"? "Genitals to the wall"!!! ;-) (sorry mom! sometimes I just can't stop myself! i am sure it is part of my "condition"... bawhahahhahah! see?!?!?!)

No. No, I DON'T sabotage myself by trying to do a bunch of things that I absolutely CAN NOT DO AT THIS TIME! No, I don't. I start right now. I go from this moment forth! And, thanks J.S. for the rock solid advice! I think I shall share it with the masses... My wise friend said, "If there's anything really easy you can do, do that... at least you can check something off your list." Because, interestingly enough, the truth that this post was based on is ALSO true here! When you make progress... you WANT to make more! It is fun gaining momentum!

This moment. It is a gift. I want to make the most of it. (now I've said it on the blog and I can rub my nose in it look back to it if I need a reminder.) :-P AND... Bedtime!

Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Moron Oxymoron

stop!!!

Anniversary Blog! & Say WHAT?

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~

(1884-1962)

My question: Which "thing I think I cannot do" should I start with?

So, today marks one month since the inception of this blog. And... it's possible I should give myself some credit. (I'm sure I'd hear about it if I didn't...)

I was terrified to start this though. Not only was I afraid of people seeing me, I was afraid of seeing myself. fail. again. And I was really afraid of what would happen next. That last statement includes what would happen if something really were to come of this! Win! Win! Fear... Ick...

But, when I look back to these few posts... I do recognize the strength AND courage AND confidence I have gained in such a short time. Each post has catapulted me through to the next post. And, I feel an excitement when I'm writing them! The fear is still great big and really ugly AND I bulldoze my way through it.

Someone once told me to "imagine what it would look like to use all that negative energy (anger, shame, and fear) for good". Well, if that's what I'm warming up to...

Everybody... WATCH OUT!

Because that is where over 30 years of energy has been building!

And, if you've ever met "The Hulk" you know what I'm talking about! Can I hear an Amen? AMEN! I thought so...

Well, huh. What's next? I did start Tweeting again... I'm @faveoxymoron . This is pretty exciting for me too. I'll tell you why another time...

Later!

Your Favorite Oxymoron,
Leslie

Better Get to Livin' (warning: lots of repeating myself for dramatic effect AND !!!'s)

What do you do when your life is so far from being where or how you want it, that you don't even know what "it" would look like if you were there??? Well, I can tell you what you shouldn't do! NOTHING... Cause nuthin' never got nobody nowhere!!! And I know all about that. :-/

I have a fine example for you. Let's go for a walk down ole' Memory Lane...

Once upon a time in a land Ahh, forget it! I guess it's more like Sedentary Street AND I am just now packing(?) or unpacking(?). Who knows? So many double negatives and the like I am gettin' CORN-fused! Anyway, I have been "temporarily" residing in my parents home for over two years now. (Yes, I said OVER TWO years. Oh, yes. I did...) The thing is, when I moved my boxes and my body into their house I forgot to pack my spirit. Probably because it had been beaten down for so long (I contributed to that, a smidge) that I thought it was trash and I dumped it.

Since "the move", I have literally been living out of boxes. Living - Out - Of - Boxes!!! But really, why would I unpack? I mean, it is NOT where a girl wants to live on her 33rd birthday! LET ALONE HER 35th!

So now, over two years have passed. I can't tell you nothing has changed. Things have changed! But, I still wasn't satisfied. And therefore, the way I spent my time didn't change. I still spent my time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future or other people and their problems and how I could help or how I could ignore or how I could have or should have blah blah blah! And I hid, behind people and things and situations and even sheep - whatever! And, for a long long time I wasn't even inching forward.

Just because I am not where I "wanted" to be at this point in my life or because I am "behind" in the race of life does NOT mean I stop living! In fact, the opposite should be true! (Wink wink.) Don't ya see?

I don't want to continue "residing" here, in this house, and I do NOT want to continue camping out mentally either. And yet I do reside here right this moment with my loving and supportive parents. What an opportunity! So, here's the deal, if I'm living in the moment AND preparing for my future there is no waiting until it looks and feels like I think it should. I've got to work and build that life worth living. And THIS moment, right now, I am making a commitment to myself that I won't stop. Even when the process seems futile. Even if I get hit by a tornado or two. I will pick myself up and collect the broken pieces and make something beautiful from them. And, while I reside in this house I am going to LIVE in this house. It will be like I am setting up a model for my future. Let's see what works! Let's take advantage of every moment and practice what works and change what doesn't. Otherwise I won't really know what the life I want looks and feels like. Will I now?

I'm starting out VERY simply... This is a corner of my "Big Room". Which is really the attic over the three car garage. And it is a great space for me! I've just got to use it. Which... I am!

I set up this little artistic space in the corner. That is my dad's 1st drafting table that he got in 10th grade! I hung some of my favorite art work I have done and one AWFUL attempt that might just be my favorite because of that very fact. haha. I wrapped a bunch of scraps from yarns I've spun around a broomstick and put it in the corner. I really like that for some reason... And, one of my very favorite possessions is getting some use again... my fantabulous gold velvet couch!!! I know... its quite a start... Who "nose" where this might lead??? ;-)

One more thing... Good ole' Dolly Parton has a song that summarizes this pretty well. It is called "Better Get To Livin"... how bout that? And, I tell you what, you should really watch this music viedo. As if Dolly wasn't enough of a character she recruited Amy Sedaris (one of my all time favorite famous people. both of these ladies actually!) to help out! What a couple of nuts! Like the best kind of nuts!

I'm Alive!

I'm writing this post on the fly this morning... And, I'm writing it because the last time I was frantic and I wrote a post it helped. Big time! Oh maaaaaaan!!! Now, I am wanting to figure out why it helped so much! Ok, so... I am going to "shelve" that topic since it wouldn't be effective to think about it now. And... it's shelved.
:-P

Today will be my first day back in the office (during office hours, aka. when people are there.) SINCE 10/11/12. I will go more into the reasons why in a later post, when I have time to sit and contemplate my words. This post is reserved for going back. Now, most people probably know how it feels to go back to work after a few sick days. Right? Does anyone ever feel like people are judging them about "WHY?" they actually took the days off and have a tinge of guilt or shame about whether they were actually sick enough to NOT come in to the office OR if they really just wanted a day off? Whew! Let me catch my breath... Ok, so, does anyone know what I'm talking about? I have a feeling I am not alone here... But, a lot of times I am on a different "train" than most...

Well, my experience here, today, is causing a lot of shame to want to erupt... right on out of my mouth... And, I left all my buckets at the barn!

Anxiety is a KILLER! A killer of spirit and action.

And today, I MUST FIGHT BACK!

And today, I will celebrate the fact that I'm ALIVE!

I have a good job. I have a great family! I have my sheeps! I have a Holy Father! I have supportive friends! I have a future! I have goals and hopes and dreams!

I am going to "Opposite Action" my way right through that door as if no event or lack there of has happened between today and 10/11/12.

WOO HOO! Look at me all amped up to go to work! Hahaha! This bloggy thing is working already! ;-)

I do want to leave you on this blog today... with a song. I played this song over and over and over again the week I was planning to come back to Texas. And, I played this song for some of my friends and some of the ladies who helped me get to the point where I COULD ACTUALLY SING THIS SONG AND MEAN IT!!!

The song is titled "I'm Alive", and it moves me so to hear Willie Nelson sing it. I hope you will stop and listen to it too. My wish for everyone who reads this blog is, that you too can sing this song, and MEAN IT, with Willie and ME .

Here it is on Youtube:


With hope,

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron <3

"Opposite Action" IN action!

I am sensing the need to explain "Opposite Action" a little more extensively as I come upon a mega big need for some. Or, maybe I am sensing a need to remind myself???

Today is my nieces birthday... Which is a fabulous event in anyone's life! Especially a 4 year olds!!! And what do you do on such a fabulous day? You have a fantabulous party! And guess who will be there? Everyone!!! Ha...

Now these people that I speak of are all wonderful, supportive, caring folks... otherwise they would not be invited to the party!!! You know what I'm sayin'? The thing is I am absoTOOTly terrified to see "people". I have never been really comfortable in groups. I do better one on one. (notice I said better?) I have SEVERE social anxiety. I am constantly afraid I will say something weird and make someone uncomfortable or act uncomfortable myself and make the situation even worse! Also, I have this lovely fear that I will just plain RUIN the day for whomever the "day" is for. In this case it's LC's big day... I once "RUINED" her moms (my baby sister) big day... But, apparently I was the only one who noticed! It was during A&K's wedding where I read and stuttered through a passage in the Bible AND handed her bouquet to her at the wrong time and had to take it back(!) AND laughed out loud when I thought the preacher made a joke(!)... but, he hadn't(!!!)... (I swear I thought he said something about the rings being "elastic" when he really said "a lasting".) So, after the ceremony I went directly to her and said, "I'm so sorry I ruined your wedding." She had no clue what I was talking about! Thing is, I still haven't been able to shake my guilt... almost a decade later.

One of reasons to use "Opposite Action" is when a painful emotion (which is REAL and VALID! EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE can make sense of it!!!) starts workin' on you and gets WAY out of proportion for the situation... you have an opportunity to decrease the suffering or possibly even replace the emotion with a less distressing or maybe even pleasant emotion.

So, every emotion has a cause (again, EVEN if no one including myself understand that cause!). And every emotion gives a charge of energy to get into action. In the case of fear, it will send you running! Which, in some cases, is totally appropriate! When running isn't the appropriate or effective action??? THAT my friend is when it is high time you practice some "Opposite Action"... Guess how you do that??? (hahaha wink wink) You practice Opposite Action by challenging it and acting OPPOSITE to it! And guess what that means for yours truly today? Going to the party. Celebrating with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. And gettin' down at that par-tay!

I am NOT denying that I am afraid. Or that I have some shame hanging around. I am just going to use this brilliant skill to get through the moments. My emotions may be perfectly valid (possibly the shame is in the wrong spot...) but, they are definitely out of proportion to the situation!

The really really really fun (sarcastic tone being used because that's what I do...) part of this technique/skill IS... I may not see any changes. At least not today. But, if I continue to practice this skill when I am afraid, angry, lonely and depressed, etc. I WILL see changes and I WILL be able to enjoy the fun things in life! And, that IS what I deserve!

So, here I go! I'm taking it moment by moment because I know I can have fun at this party. And I will enjoy getting and giving lots of hugs to the birthday girl AND the lovely people whom I haven't seen in a loooooong (that might be an inappropriate amount of o's for this particular situation... but I'm feelin' it so I'm typing it!) time and mean me absolutely NO harm and ONLY want good things for me. :-)

Yours truly,

Leslie C.,
Your VERY Favorite Oxymoron

time flies when...

Time flies when... well, all the time. Doesn't it? And, no matter what, I always feel unprepared for the next thing on the horizon.

One week ago today I moved out of my second home. It was definitely not the second house I have ever lived in. I think I lived through 5 houses before I was out of high school. But, home wise? That is surly only two. And the thing that I recognized a week and one days ago was a whopper! It was one of those "lightbulb moments" I will talk about frequently on this blog. The kind that are blinding! Sometimes the light is a long awaited one. Sometimes I don't even know I've seen it until I start telling someone else and I can't shake those irritating sun spots! This one was a little of both. I will share an excerpt from an email I wrote to my DBT class facilitator/therapist here in Texas.


January 30, 2013:
"I am really really really nervous. I am so glad I will have a little break with my friend this weekend. Whew. It will be a much needed vacation. Have u checked out the blog yet? Just wondering... You might like it." :-P

"I am sure you have felt what I'm feeling right now... I feel like I'm leaving home instead of coming home. Like I have to cut this umbilical cord and strike out on my own. Funny, I just realized that I never did this with my family, EVER! Even my actual umbilical cord started rotting and stinking and wouldn't fall off! Mom and Dad called the doctor who told Dad he had to pull it off! Whew... I really didn't want to let go... of that dependence... of having to take care of myself, by myself... I now know that when I do cut the actual cord it isn't like cutting off part of me! The things that I am separating from don't disappear! They are a part of me now! It is just the wormy tube of jelly (gross!) that I am getting rid of. It is just time to start feeding myself... That's sumthin..."


Now, I still agree that "that's sumthin"... Don't get me wrong! I also know this... The time I was writing that email I had run out of options... at least any that kept me in California. My second home. My place of residence and refuge. My safe place where I did a massive amount of growing up and where I felt (for the first time in my life) like I belonged. I know that I would have struggled leaving "home" at any point (which is possibly one of the reasons I never really did in the first place...) AND I still feel this came a little prematurely. But, some things are just way beyond my control, no matter how hard I try to wrangle them.

My farewell last Thursday day was pretty darn unbelievable. You want to see the excerpt? ;-) I titled this email (to my family and DBT therapist), I'm safe in bed all tucked in and hopefully passing out any minute...


January 31, 2013:
What a day... What a day... I think it will take me a while to recover from this one! Whew-wee... It was wonderful though. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. I've been trying to figure out why it felt so different... Besides the fact that it felt like home... (No offense fam! I just didn't feel alien there. That's all. It is different but the same.) You probably know what I'm talking about. When you are with people you love like family because it is such a great connection. AND, when I walked in to a room I was funny(!) rather than feeling like the butt of a joke!

These women, that I worked so hard with and admired so very much, said some things that I will never forget. Well, I guess I will never forget the way I felt when the words were spoken. Cause I couldn't remember half of them the moment after. Ha. It was soooooooo sad. It was sooooo huge. And it was sooo beautiful and hopeful. It felt good. I felt and still feel that the things they said are true... That's weird, isn't it???

Alright, well it's about that time..."


And, guess who fell asleep before I finished or sent my "don't worry about me I'm safe at my friends home" email? I did! My computer battery had run out completely by the time I woke the next morning to it sitting open on the edge of my bed. I apparently didn't move a muscle. Thank goodness!

So, this past week has been interesting to say the least. I spent the first half of it painting with friends on a beautiful patio, developing silly new dance moves (aka. New Opposite Action Moves!), giggling, crying, reminiscing and making memories. The second half has been almost identical weather wise, giggling wise, crying wise, reminiscing and making memories wise. Overall, I shouldn't complain. ha! I am loveloveloveloveloving spending more time with my sheeps! Farming and shepherding were the two things I couldn't access in California. It just wasn't gonna happen... I have had some fantastic reunions with my sweet niece (among other sweet family members). I am working with my DBT therapist again and rerooting myself in a weekly class. Next week I will conquer the office! And who nose ;-) what will be next??? If you do, please don't tell me! One thing at a time ~ ONLY! And sleep is next right now...

Sweet dreams ladies and gents!

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

<3 and you know that saying "Home is where the heart is."  I'll take YOU (my home and my heart) with me everywhere i go... sounds nice...

Tonight...

... is a struggle. My anxiety is past the boiling point. So, my goal is to keep it from going over the edge. My next plan of attack is a bit of painting. And music. I am going to try to finish some projects that I have been putting off (because I have been kidding myself that I will have more time). I don't have any more time which is possibly why my anxiety is so big and ugly. So, this is some huge Opposite Action that I know WILL improve my mood... IF... I DO IT RIGHT! And, doing it right has absolutely NOTHING to do with if it "looks right". That is... if I do it right! ha! It is not as complex as I am making it sound. I tell ya, I think it will also be one of the most rewarding things I've done lately.

Headed that way!

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron!

It works I tell ya!

Just a quick note since I spent my allotted blog time setting up the ? and comment sections today. I do invite you to use them. For whatever. If you have a personal question for me... give it a shot. I may or may not be willing to tell you. But, if you just have a question about life or bugs or something I'll give you what I've got. No doubt about it!

I want to say thanks to all my friends and family around who are already hittin' the site up! I've got lots and lots of big stuff to come. I'm pretty sure that I couldn't be more excited...

Oh, and you know what?!?!? I slept last night! All through it! Like a baby. Woke up with my eyelashes bent all awkward again. (I hate that!) BUT, my point being that it was Sunday night (the night I stay awake fretting all night) and I feel like I'm running out of time. But, I put my life away last night. I stopped to take care of myself. I literally turned the volume in my mind down. The "noise" still there but faint. Kinda like when you hear the lawn mower outside your window. My mind created its own personal white noise machine. Ha.

Sleep has always been important in my life. Sometimes too important. Sometimes an escape. At times I've also run from sleep. I somehow came up with the idea that if I stopped I was quitting. And sleeping is definitely slowing down if not stopping... And, the act of sleep is leaving myself very vulnerable to outside and inside elements.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share my itty bitty success with you. I was feeling burdened and I was pushing myself too hard and then I had a chance to do some Opposite Action and I came out a winner! Ahhh... I'm about to win again here pretty soon.

Alrighty then, my eyes are pretty much closed already and this computer, Before I turn into a donkey at midnight. And... that last part is what happens when I am so tired I am delirious... I thought it was too funny to delete though! hahaha! Oh yeah and "quick note" my butt! I wonder if I will ever do anything quickly? :-P

Warmly,

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron!

And here we go... again!

Yep. I must admit that this here time-o-da-week sneaks up on me and causes a shock to my system EVERY SINGLE TIME! It doesn't matter how productive my weekend was or what kind of week I have ahead of me even. My body just doesn't like it! Or maybe I just trained it all too well... to fear. I can be very persuasive. ;-) I just can't get why now it is refusing to listen to me. Anybody?

Well, I would love to wait and see what y'all say... But, ugh! I've got to get ready for bed. And the bummer is that I'm sure I will be just as restless as ever tonight... Gotta do it though! It is the right thing to do, for me, I know.

Good night all!

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Here I GO!!!

Hey everybody!!! It's me, Leslie! AND... My final opposite action for the day (the Friday of what was possibly the hardest week of my life) is to FINALLY start this blog! This also means that I must post my very first post here without planning exactly what I want to say for SEVERAL hours and then chickening out... again. So, for those of you who don't know me, I shall begin to introduce myself.

My name is Leslie and I have no middle name. I am a 34 year old, single, white, female who lives for a great pair of high heels AND the smell of fresh manure in the morning (only if I am at the barn!). I love to learn but absolutely can't stand school! I can work all day in the Texas sun, hauling hay bales, tilling up the dirt, pounding in fence posts and working up a sweat, BUT believe you me, you would have to drag me kicking and screaming to get me in the gym doing the same (or pretty much any) workout. It has happened many many times that someone new(ish) in my life might be talking to me and not realize it's me until I laugh. I am somewhat of a chameleon. I have been known to refer to myself as "an actual oxymoron".

Here in this blog, I would like to share some of my story. It is a long and twisted road and I don't need to get into all the gory details to tell it. So, right this very minute, I am in the process of building a life worth living and I would love to take you out on the job site and show you how I am doing it.

Warmly,

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron