I'm RUBBER and you're GLUE...

And whatever you say in front of a 4 year old STICKS! Hahaha!  Thank goodness my sweet niece has only heard good things from me so far! Whew.

So, now that I've got your attention... I'll share the fun that Little Lou shared back with me! And quickly, cause I'm so very tired.

~ "Oh, I just love this piece of art work Aunt Les!"

~ "You should draw an elephant standing on top of a rhinoceros with a ..."  My reply, "I'm not sure I can draw all that."  And >>> "Well, if you don't think you can draw that... you can just draw them abstract!"

The grand finally was shared with me via my sister.

~ "Daddy, I am going to do some abstract art. Pull up a chair and let me tell you about abstract art."

On this note, I will say goodnight!

Goodnight!

Aunt Les,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Ready for Departure??? NEVER!

Ahhh… Getting ready for a departure…

It is an event for me to get ANYWHERE, let alone in a hurry… and on time? Yikes! Mornings especially are not my forte. Haha. So, this morning as I tried to beat my mom to the punch on the "Are you asleep in there?" (the shower.) and the "Maybe you should start putting things in your suitcase?" questions... I thought of a couple of strange and very "leslie" topics. I thought I might share while I wait for the plane to board.

Does anyone else have trouble waking up in the morning? Does anyone lose track of time in the shower BECAUSE THEY ARE FALLING ASLEEP OR DAYDREAMING? (just to be clear.) I have a couple of strange tips for those of you who are not morning people.

1st ~ If you love a warm shower but it seems to hurt your chances of snapping out of a dream? You can… Talk yourself through the steps in a really goofy voice. Sometimes I use a combo of -ish accents. I'm talking British, Scottish, Irish. You know? Or you could go more vampire/French. Whatever your proclivity… ;-)

2nd ~ Again… If you love a warm shower but need to wake up… Nearing the end of the cleansing process try this:  Tell yourself, in your preferred dialect, "Now I will begin to start turning the water down in small increments." And every time you do adjust the water a tiny bit to the cool side... say it again! Don't get it TOO cold! If you do… there is a chance you will just jump back under the covers! A nice, gentle, cool temperature will do a body good. At least in the hot Texas summer…

3rd ~ If I had a third to start with the plane ride with the kid pooting next to mom and the sad girl next to me… I forgot. I'll let you know if I remember.

So, as I just revealed… I am back in my part -o- Texas! Hello Dallas! Hello Luby's Cafeteria! Hello Daddio and Sis and Bro-in-law and my GIRLS! I'm goin' to eat some of the best macaroni and cheese in America!

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

I can't let my girls wait on me now can I?  I am the fabulous Aunt!!!

Who's your best friend?

Here at the NAMI National Convention I have seen a few therapy dogs.  I met one named Max (I believe) yesterday after a fantastic workshop.  He had been sitting quietly behind me the whole time.  Afterward, I asked the lady who he companioned if I could pet the precious pup.  And, I immediately fell in love... At one point when I took my hand back (because I needed it to talk! ha!) I looked back down and I saw the pup looking up at me.  It was a look I couldn't really describe but it has stayed with me.  So, I drew it...

I love a happy mistake! I got to make this cool collage!

After I finished the drawing I thought maybe, just maybe, it was a symbol of my experience at this conference.

I saw this pup and the pup saw me.  We connected.  We shared something.  I'd love to see him again... (be his Facebook friend?  Sorry, you know how I get when I'm uncomfortable.) Ok, seriously! (the ! was for me! and I'll get back to that!!! soon!!! ok... maybe next post!  gotta hurry now!!!)

So, this experience?  I have made wonderful connections.  I have met fabulous people!  I have connected and shared and would love to see and work with these people again!  Maybe I have met some new best friends?  Maybe I have seen my future somewhere in all of it?  Maybe I have been touched???  I know I have been touched.  And, I hope to spread the love.  I hope you feel it.  I can't wait to tell you more.  Now?  I need to change clothes and head to my last session.

Thank you for reading.  I really want to connect.

Gratefully,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Surprise!!! I am at the...

NAMI Convention

Yup, that's right!  My mom and I flew down to San Antonio, Texas yesterday (yes, we flew!) in order to attend the National Alliance on Mental Illness.  And... that is why my ears are ringing right now.

         I have been PLANNING and PLANNING and PLANNING to blog about this AND everything else!  I swear to you!!!  I have unfortunately added more incomplete posts to the list... I may just copy and paste all of them on one blog and write to be continued on them!  Ha!  That is actually sounding like a great idea!  

So, ladies and gents, guess what?  My ringing and mind-blowing pressure in my ears has subsided!  And, I thank you... But, I thank ME too!!!  I remembered how important it is to step back and use a skill!  Now, that I remember how freakin' FREAKY this kind of stuff makes me... I will be heading in to a Special Presentation on Advancing Recovery with PLENTY of distress tolerance skills (especially grounding!) at the ready!  

And, speaking of presentations... First, I will be attending REVIVING PALIN OLD THERAPY: PROMOTING MENTALIZING IN RELATIONSHIPS

I will try to post as often as possible!  Even if it is just a pic or a quick note!  I have a feeling that I am going to be pretty busy (and TIRED!).

Oh, and thank you to the precious girl who asked if I had signed up for the Young Adults Session Guide!!!  The cutoff is 30... :-(  They were so cute!!!  And, they thought I was one of them!!!  Love it!

Your Favorite Oxymoron!

Leslie

Should you ever Opposite Action your Opposite action?

Alrighty... I have a very short time to tell you about a little issue I sometimes face.  I love people!  I love to play!  I love my family!  I love my friends!  I LOVE LIFE!

So, when I am not feeling "up to" an occasion... guess what?  My body takes over and I act opposite of my real feelings.

Today is Father's Day.  I LOVE MY DAD!  But, at this very moment... I am exhausted from the day I have already had!  So, what the heck?  My body goes in to overdrive and I am SUPER LESLIE! (and you should most definitely read that with that " da-da dat.da!" feel!)  Anyway, this SUPER LESLIE! can sometimes freak the blah blah blahblahblah out of people.  EVEN people who know me!  Even people who have seen it before!  It is confusing!  Heck!  It is confusing to me!  If I let it... it will completely take me over...  AND, I am there RIGHT NOW!

So, I am going to Opposite Action the heck out of my initial and absolutely programed and instinctual behavior!  And, I am going to try to act like a human being!

PLEASE!  Please, please, please... Please pray that I can pull this off!  It is one of my most difficult Opposite Actions.  It is automatic!  It is like I have no control over my spazzy body!  It is not fun for anyone!

Happy Father's Day to all of you daddio's out there!  It is a hard road for YOU!  A hard road to father a child... (for the rest of their lives!)  I thank you and encourage you to do the best you can, for that is all you can do.

Have a beautiful day!

Your Favorite Oxymoron,
Leslie Cooper

Thanks for EVERYTHING Pops!  I love you so very much!

I am a human being with Borderline Personality Disorder AND I have a lot more to me than that!

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?  check out this link for some information...
"
Please remember that I am human.  I am not perfect.  I was given free will.  My brain has been skewed by genetics and situations in my life.  I am constantly (even when it doesn't look like it...) working to be aware of my initial emotions before they take off without my permission!  Mindfulness.  I need a post about that.  I am sure I have started one...

Oh, and I have discovered a bit of a problem.  I will take suggestions or offers for assistance!  I think a tiny part of my issue with incomplete posts might have to do with a tiny issue I have with perfectionism.  Which I do know that perfection is pretty much impossible.  And possibly an issue I should work on a bit more.  But, one thing at a time people!  Come on! SO... (maria?) I am looking for an editor of sorts.  I would just like to have someone look over a post and point out obvious errors in grammar or punctuation.  AND I need someone who will not take the ME out of this... but possibly just keep a post more or less on the same subject.  Even a reminder that I wanted to expand on something I had spoken of earlier but cut off (hopefully) to get back to the point.  Huh.  What was the point to this post?  Seriously, I had NO idea the answer to that question until I reviewed the other text! haha... not funny...

Hope you are having a great start to the "Month AFTER National Borderline Personality Disorder Month!!!"  I heard in a movie once that it was good for a lady to be fashionably late...  I don't remember the exact parameters around the "fashionably" so I just stick with LATE!

Much warmth or cool (which ever you are in the mood for!) to all of you!

Leslie Cooper,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

It's not every day you run into the perfect gift...

Those of you who own iPhones or other smart phones probably know that you can set alarms and even add your own sound effects or songs to them.  (Someone I love dearly once gave me the gift of recording a humungous fart and setting it as the ring on my phone! One of my most favorite and endlessly emberassing gifts ever! Hahaha!) Anyway...

One of the AMAZING people who I met in California thought I was the funniest person ever for having an alarm set that said "Gitty up and GO girl!"

So here is the cheapest wedding present ever Lynn!

A gas station between the feed store and the barn... NO Joke! I LOVE IT!!!

 

YEP!  That's right!  Gitty UP!  And, when I saw that my last post was almost a week ago (and I thought I was on such a roll!!!) I was in shock.  It has most definitely been one of those weeks... But now?  It's time for me to Gitty Up! So, I'll work on a post tonight so I will have something for tomorrow.  

Hope you are all treating yourselves right!

And, if you aren't?  Guess what?  It's time to Gitty Up & GO! haha ;-)

Happy Friday!

Your FAVORITE Oxymoron,

Leslie

They used to call me "Grace" because I am so graceful. Right...

I am exhausted today. Truthfully, this is all I can muster blog-wise. But, I want to try and be more consistent so... What about all those almost finished posts? I thought I could tune one up real quick but the words on the screen were unintelligible.

So, I thought I'd share a bit of my AWESOME video and editing skills! Hahahaha! I made the music and everything!

Filmed May 8th of 2012. My sister's birthday. Her first born, Leah, was directing a game of follow the leader which later morphed into "Follow the Leah" (a more appropriate name as you can see...).

Maybe I should go and run like Leah (or Phoebe on Friends) around the neighborhood and see if that will reenergize me? Anyone up for joining me? Hahaha

Have a fantastic holiday weekend everybody!

Stay safe.
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

funnest part about flappin your lips??? i'll tell ya!

Ahhhh... The wise advise giver!

I really can't remember if I have mentioned this before. And, if I have? It is obviously time for a refresher! Ha!

So, I am an AMAZING advice giver!!! And, I know it!

I have this patience and perspective (that I am always talking about needing!) when listening to other peoples' stories. Well, lately, it happens I've run in to a lot of people who don't have any trouble mentioning... "...YOU ARE SO GREAT AT GIVING ADVICE! WHAT'S YOUR STORY??? HOW DO YOU APPLY THIS?"

Do they call this technique "putting one's foot in one's mouth"?!?!?!?!

Anyway, I know that I have mentioned that I have many mini-revelations while writing this blog. Hence the avoiding writing anything for a couple of months. Well, the other day I GAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE ADVICE! I mean to tell ya! I almost wanted to pat myself on the back! And then my lightbulb burst! Here is the lightbulb bursting advice I gave:

"Why don't you write down the story (problem/whatever)... Then, I will read it back to you! This way it will come from my lips... and YOU love me! So, YOU can tell me YOUR first reaction and what YOU would do 'if YOU were me'."

Burned.

And again, why I have not written much in the past couple of months.

When things spill out of my fingers on to this keyboard... Strangely, I am convicted to take my own advice! And, lately, I have been fluctuating between WILLING & WILLFUL so quickly it was making me dizzy! And my dizzy makes other people sick.

This moment.
This VERY moment.
This is a new moment.
This is a new moment                               .

Fill in your own blank.
I'll fill in mine.

Try to take care of yourselves.  I promise I will do the same.

Your Favorite Oxymoron.

Leslie

Say WHAT? (I think it's a good one!)

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."

~Jean-Paul Sartre ~
French Philosopher 1905-1980

I don't (by any means) claim to be a philosopher, as Jean-Paul Sartre was.  Although, I'm pretty sure a synonym to the term is "thinker"... and by golly, I am always thinkin'!  However, having not studied much about the subject, I do not know much about Existentialism or how I feel about the topic.

Here is what I believe.  

We are born and genetically predisposed to some things.  Someone I greatly admire once said this to me, "Leslie, your brain works differently than anyone else's brain.  It is time to remove YOUR judgments about how your brain works.  Then you can start learning how to work with what you've got."  It was simple and profound.  And, it reminds me that I was born with all these parts.  Some work more conventionally than others. 

I also believe ALL of our surroundings and experiences have a HUGE impact on each of us.  (Again, personal belief, I'm no expert!)  Every night these days, I go to sleep listening to a book by Oliver Sacks, An Anthropologist on Mars.  In one of the chapters he is working with a man that regained his sight after over 40 years.  The strangest thing for me was to consider that this man had no experience seeing!  And, on April 3, 2013, as I looked into my beautiful NEW niece's eyes, it seemed so obvious!  She was seeing for the first time.  She was looking at lights and shadows and what babies look at.  She had no idea what shape my face was or the color of my eyes.  She will have to learn through experience and her surroundings exactly what she is seeing.  The man Dr. Oliver Sacks was working with had lived for many years learning about his surroundings, dealing with life's everyday and not so everyday experiences and a quick surgery changed his experience and flipped his surroundings upside down.  The combination of my two experiences got me wondering... HOW MUCH DO OUR EXPERIENCES AND SURROUNDINGS SHAPE OUR LIVES?  Or should I say, teach us how to see the world?   

  

Some people learn at a different pace and some are not able to process things at all.  Let's add faith, family values, societal rules and regulations, social expectations, social awkwardness, wanting to be accepted, different resources, and a whole mess of other things heaped on top.  And, the most unfortunate and beyond our grasp is the trauma some experience... (Are you kidding me???)

Let me see if I can summarize this.  We are all built differently.  We each experience different surroundings.  And, because we are all different, we may be in the same space at the time as someone else AND have very different experiences.  All of these things combined with CHOICE are what begin to teach us how to see the world and in turn begin shaping each of us.  Nature and nurture are just as flawed as we are.

I have already lived many years searching for answers.  Some questions that have plagued me? "WHO AM I?" "Why can't I do this right?"  "How does everyone seem to know how to play the game while I feel like I am on the wrong field?"

Sometimes in order to see the goal... you have to start running FIRST!  Which is why I couldn't see the forrest for the trees!  Also, your goal is your own!

I'll share MY answer now.  I shall quit asking someone to tell me how to do life!  I will do what I think is right and I will DRAW on my knowledge and experience.  I will DRAW on the strength of others!  I will DRAW on my God for wisdom and take His word as truth.  I don't have to have an answer to each question.  When something comes up I can DRAW on the support of my friends, family, therapist, and (a super exciting part!) even strangers!  I don't have to figure out HOW TO LIVE all alone...  And, I can only do one thing at a time.  

Did anybody notice my emphasis on a certain word?  

Another incredible thing I have learned is... I can DRAW or paint, etc. to express my emotions when I don't have the words or the clarity to see them.  I can DRAW to distract and keep my emotions under control until I have help.  Craziest thing?  If I find myself worrying about "How to live?"  I can DRAW something in the room to keep me in the present moment.  

Vincent Van Gogh painted self portraits. I draw Mr. Van Gogh's self portraits! This was one of the first things I have ever drawn... AND, I did it while under mega-distress AND... I got through my moment!  Now that's some crazy if I've ever seen crazy!

So, considering the vastness of humanity and (a bigger word???) for our personal experiences.  My best advice to everyone is to...  Pay attention to how things work and grow!  Try to do things.  Decide what you think is right and wrong.  Ask for help from wise people.  Use your faith as a guide.  Don't give up!!!  Cause according to this Jean-Paul dude... nobody has this "life" thing figured out!

Now, let's get goin'!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

What is your highest level of education?

Q: What is your highest level of education?
A: Well, I have just completed my 35th year of living as a human, on Earth! You?

So... seriously, I know this question has shamed many people over the years. At least as long as formal education has existed... maybe before... I mean, I've even been side-shamed by this one! I once had a boyfriend tell me in an argument (trying to hurt my feelings...) that some girl had said to him, "She didn't even go to college!"

This particular insult never really bothered me. I know that I am an intelligent human being. I know that if I am interested in something I want to soak up every bit of information there is possible to discover about said interest! If I am not interested in something? Well, it's kinda like that something doesn't exist... not always a good thing. I did NOT do well in school. EVER. I barely made it through 2nd grade let alone high school... And, on my Facebook page, you will find "Napping" under the "What did you study in college?" column. I totally mastered that by the way!
Now, (serious again) you won't ever catch me saying that I have always made sound, thoughtful or brilliant choices... every time. That is a whole nuther story! But, college??? I don't have any desire to go and pay for the kind of torture school was for me... EVER AGAIN!

My school of choice? The School of Life! And, I can tell you I have learned some hard lessons. And it's a real good thing I had a chance to repeat some courses! Several times... Biggest lessons so far? Well, I'm glad you asked!

Lesson 1: Every action has a reaction. Everything that happens should have happened considering the circumstances proceeding it. (THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AGREE WITH EVERY HAPPENING!!!)

Lesson 2: I have a choice. I make choices that will alter my future. No matter the burden I feel to make a particular choice, I still have the power to choose.

Lesson 3: The exact reaction to my choice will be dependent on all choices all around the world at that moment and any moments preceding and proceeding my choice AND therefore I cannot predict my future. Neither can you! ;-)

My goal is to somehow make my circumstances work for me and to do the best I can with whatever comes next. I can't turn around and change ANYTHING! I can take my experience and make a new choice! My future holds so many possibilities. Possibilities beyond my comprehension! The exciting (and super scary) part is how each decision or choice or action I take, will continue to shape me. And, that is freedom. It will take hard work and guts! AND, I am worth it!!!

This past year, I began to appreciate the things in my life that make it more livable. In turn, I am living a lot more lovable life.

In no particular order, here are some things I would like to keep in my life or learn during the next and hardest "level of education" thus far...

~ continued learning and growth in my farming... I love me sheeps!
~ close relationships with my family that aren't "too close" a.k.a. "dependent on"
~ development of healthy relationships with those of you out there who are not genetically bound to me...
~ develop my yoga practice and find a schedule that meets (most of) my needs
~ ART EVERY DAY!!! art without judgment! experimental art! art with every emotion! art with "useless" objects! art to soothe myself. art to express myself. art with my niece, Little Lu
~ make yarn! find unusual fun things to do with wool/yarn!
~ to refuse to lie to myself and others about my needs, wants, goals or anything about ME!
~ to be aware of judgments and NOT let them rule me or any part of my life
~ to have a servants heart. to trust my Shepherd and trust His plan.
~ to be mindful
~ to enjoy every ounce of every moment possible!
~ to like myself, learn from myself, to live like someone I would like to learn from!!!
~ to break the rules I have suffocated myself with AND break the rules of having to be "normal" ~for whatever those are worth anyway!
~ stick to my values and morals even at great cost of looking (in some eyes) or feeling (in my own dad-gum head!) foolish
~ say stuff like "dad-gum!" and "boy-howdy!"
~ have a favorite bug! or a tie between two! aka. praying mantis & cicada... not locust... google... ;-)
~ continued expression of ME to YOU on this blog which I hope is a tiny bit helpful (every little bit counts!)
~ to forgive myself
~ to never give up
~ I want to show gratitude and to GIVE BACK!
~ I want to experience things that are in front of me AND beyond me!

And, I want to continue mastering the art of being me! There are four words I've found that pretty much sum it all up... **Remember most words have multiple meanings. I look forward to telling you more about what each of these means to me. :-)
~ DRAW ~ FARM ~ SPIN ~ LIVE ~

So, happy birthday to me! And happy day to you! Hope to see you around...





Warmly,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

*BONUS FUNNY FACE SHOTS!!!*


*BONUS SHEEPY PICS!*

Why can't we all be 4 years old again?

When things were as simple as the following scenario:

My sister took my niece in for a flu shot. After the shot, Little Lu was crying. And here is the simple fundamental lesson from a 4 year old...

Sister: "It's all over now, why are you crying?"
Little Lu: laughed and said, "Oh! I don't know!"

(This made her giggle for days afterwards.)

Hanging on to suffering is not necessary. And, that's that!

Your Favorite Oxymoron,
Leslie <3

"Opposite Action" IN action!

I am sensing the need to explain "Opposite Action" a little more extensively as I come upon a mega big need for some. Or, maybe I am sensing a need to remind myself???

Today is my nieces birthday... Which is a fabulous event in anyone's life! Especially a 4 year olds!!! And what do you do on such a fabulous day? You have a fantabulous party! And guess who will be there? Everyone!!! Ha...

Now these people that I speak of are all wonderful, supportive, caring folks... otherwise they would not be invited to the party!!! You know what I'm sayin'? The thing is I am absoTOOTly terrified to see "people". I have never been really comfortable in groups. I do better one on one. (notice I said better?) I have SEVERE social anxiety. I am constantly afraid I will say something weird and make someone uncomfortable or act uncomfortable myself and make the situation even worse! Also, I have this lovely fear that I will just plain RUIN the day for whomever the "day" is for. In this case it's LC's big day... I once "RUINED" her moms (my baby sister) big day... But, apparently I was the only one who noticed! It was during A&K's wedding where I read and stuttered through a passage in the Bible AND handed her bouquet to her at the wrong time and had to take it back(!) AND laughed out loud when I thought the preacher made a joke(!)... but, he hadn't(!!!)... (I swear I thought he said something about the rings being "elastic" when he really said "a lasting".) So, after the ceremony I went directly to her and said, "I'm so sorry I ruined your wedding." She had no clue what I was talking about! Thing is, I still haven't been able to shake my guilt... almost a decade later.

One of reasons to use "Opposite Action" is when a painful emotion (which is REAL and VALID! EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE can make sense of it!!!) starts workin' on you and gets WAY out of proportion for the situation... you have an opportunity to decrease the suffering or possibly even replace the emotion with a less distressing or maybe even pleasant emotion.

So, every emotion has a cause (again, EVEN if no one including myself understand that cause!). And every emotion gives a charge of energy to get into action. In the case of fear, it will send you running! Which, in some cases, is totally appropriate! When running isn't the appropriate or effective action??? THAT my friend is when it is high time you practice some "Opposite Action"... Guess how you do that??? (hahaha wink wink) You practice Opposite Action by challenging it and acting OPPOSITE to it! And guess what that means for yours truly today? Going to the party. Celebrating with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. And gettin' down at that par-tay!

I am NOT denying that I am afraid. Or that I have some shame hanging around. I am just going to use this brilliant skill to get through the moments. My emotions may be perfectly valid (possibly the shame is in the wrong spot...) but, they are definitely out of proportion to the situation!

The really really really fun (sarcastic tone being used because that's what I do...) part of this technique/skill IS... I may not see any changes. At least not today. But, if I continue to practice this skill when I am afraid, angry, lonely and depressed, etc. I WILL see changes and I WILL be able to enjoy the fun things in life! And, that IS what I deserve!

So, here I go! I'm taking it moment by moment because I know I can have fun at this party. And I will enjoy getting and giving lots of hugs to the birthday girl AND the lovely people whom I haven't seen in a loooooong (that might be an inappropriate amount of o's for this particular situation... but I'm feelin' it so I'm typing it!) time and mean me absolutely NO harm and ONLY want good things for me. :-)

Yours truly,

Leslie C.,
Your VERY Favorite Oxymoron

time flies when...

Time flies when... well, all the time. Doesn't it? And, no matter what, I always feel unprepared for the next thing on the horizon.

One week ago today I moved out of my second home. It was definitely not the second house I have ever lived in. I think I lived through 5 houses before I was out of high school. But, home wise? That is surly only two. And the thing that I recognized a week and one days ago was a whopper! It was one of those "lightbulb moments" I will talk about frequently on this blog. The kind that are blinding! Sometimes the light is a long awaited one. Sometimes I don't even know I've seen it until I start telling someone else and I can't shake those irritating sun spots! This one was a little of both. I will share an excerpt from an email I wrote to my DBT class facilitator/therapist here in Texas.


January 30, 2013:
"I am really really really nervous. I am so glad I will have a little break with my friend this weekend. Whew. It will be a much needed vacation. Have u checked out the blog yet? Just wondering... You might like it." :-P

"I am sure you have felt what I'm feeling right now... I feel like I'm leaving home instead of coming home. Like I have to cut this umbilical cord and strike out on my own. Funny, I just realized that I never did this with my family, EVER! Even my actual umbilical cord started rotting and stinking and wouldn't fall off! Mom and Dad called the doctor who told Dad he had to pull it off! Whew... I really didn't want to let go... of that dependence... of having to take care of myself, by myself... I now know that when I do cut the actual cord it isn't like cutting off part of me! The things that I am separating from don't disappear! They are a part of me now! It is just the wormy tube of jelly (gross!) that I am getting rid of. It is just time to start feeding myself... That's sumthin..."


Now, I still agree that "that's sumthin"... Don't get me wrong! I also know this... The time I was writing that email I had run out of options... at least any that kept me in California. My second home. My place of residence and refuge. My safe place where I did a massive amount of growing up and where I felt (for the first time in my life) like I belonged. I know that I would have struggled leaving "home" at any point (which is possibly one of the reasons I never really did in the first place...) AND I still feel this came a little prematurely. But, some things are just way beyond my control, no matter how hard I try to wrangle them.

My farewell last Thursday day was pretty darn unbelievable. You want to see the excerpt? ;-) I titled this email (to my family and DBT therapist), I'm safe in bed all tucked in and hopefully passing out any minute...


January 31, 2013:
What a day... What a day... I think it will take me a while to recover from this one! Whew-wee... It was wonderful though. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. I've been trying to figure out why it felt so different... Besides the fact that it felt like home... (No offense fam! I just didn't feel alien there. That's all. It is different but the same.) You probably know what I'm talking about. When you are with people you love like family because it is such a great connection. AND, when I walked in to a room I was funny(!) rather than feeling like the butt of a joke!

These women, that I worked so hard with and admired so very much, said some things that I will never forget. Well, I guess I will never forget the way I felt when the words were spoken. Cause I couldn't remember half of them the moment after. Ha. It was soooooooo sad. It was sooooo huge. And it was sooo beautiful and hopeful. It felt good. I felt and still feel that the things they said are true... That's weird, isn't it???

Alright, well it's about that time..."


And, guess who fell asleep before I finished or sent my "don't worry about me I'm safe at my friends home" email? I did! My computer battery had run out completely by the time I woke the next morning to it sitting open on the edge of my bed. I apparently didn't move a muscle. Thank goodness!

So, this past week has been interesting to say the least. I spent the first half of it painting with friends on a beautiful patio, developing silly new dance moves (aka. New Opposite Action Moves!), giggling, crying, reminiscing and making memories. The second half has been almost identical weather wise, giggling wise, crying wise, reminiscing and making memories wise. Overall, I shouldn't complain. ha! I am loveloveloveloveloving spending more time with my sheeps! Farming and shepherding were the two things I couldn't access in California. It just wasn't gonna happen... I have had some fantastic reunions with my sweet niece (among other sweet family members). I am working with my DBT therapist again and rerooting myself in a weekly class. Next week I will conquer the office! And who nose ;-) what will be next??? If you do, please don't tell me! One thing at a time ~ ONLY! And sleep is next right now...

Sweet dreams ladies and gents!

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

<3 and you know that saying "Home is where the heart is."  I'll take YOU (my home and my heart) with me everywhere i go... sounds nice...