I'll be back soon!!!

Lots of HUGE things in the works!!!   Just wanted to shout out "what what" to my peeps and let you know things are moving right a long...  And, I'll get something together (in the next coupla days) to summarize what's been going on.

Hugs and love to ALL!!!

Your Favorite Oxymoron...  Leslie Cooper!

DANG!

I can't tell you how many times I have told someone I love (and random people on the street... probably)... "Remind me of this when I forget!"

SO... if anyone actually attempted the gentle reminder??? I am sure I would spit fire! Who knows what could be turned to cinders... yikes

I've just been wondering... When you have so many things to remember and practice BUT they aren't things that come up on a regular basis... H O W D O (I AM CURSING MYSELF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST SAW MY ANSWER WRITTEN IN THE SKY!!! Metaphorically of course...)

PRACTICE!!!

SON OF AN UGLY DONKEY! I should have seen this one coming...

I'm gonna have to get back to you on this one though.  I've got to get up early and do my (orange) yoga practice.  Long story.  Need sleep.  And practice.

Nighty nighty!
Les,
Your Favorite Oxymoron :-P

Who's your best friend?

Here at the NAMI National Convention I have seen a few therapy dogs.  I met one named Max (I believe) yesterday after a fantastic workshop.  He had been sitting quietly behind me the whole time.  Afterward, I asked the lady who he companioned if I could pet the precious pup.  And, I immediately fell in love... At one point when I took my hand back (because I needed it to talk! ha!) I looked back down and I saw the pup looking up at me.  It was a look I couldn't really describe but it has stayed with me.  So, I drew it...

I love a happy mistake! I got to make this cool collage!

After I finished the drawing I thought maybe, just maybe, it was a symbol of my experience at this conference.

I saw this pup and the pup saw me.  We connected.  We shared something.  I'd love to see him again... (be his Facebook friend?  Sorry, you know how I get when I'm uncomfortable.) Ok, seriously! (the ! was for me! and I'll get back to that!!! soon!!! ok... maybe next post!  gotta hurry now!!!)

So, this experience?  I have made wonderful connections.  I have met fabulous people!  I have connected and shared and would love to see and work with these people again!  Maybe I have met some new best friends?  Maybe I have seen my future somewhere in all of it?  Maybe I have been touched???  I know I have been touched.  And, I hope to spread the love.  I hope you feel it.  I can't wait to tell you more.  Now?  I need to change clothes and head to my last session.

Thank you for reading.  I really want to connect.

Gratefully,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Bird's Eye View of My Mind RIGHT NOW!

And... so it is!
An oil pastel drawing I did at the end of the day today. And, like I told ya the first day of the NAMI Convention, I will try to post a picture of something AT LEAST!

I am blown away by the forethought and work that so many people have put in to this thing. I really hope to be a part of the innards ASAP!

And, here's to the last day tomorrow! May all have many insights to take home with them.

Thank you,
Good night!

Leslie Cooper,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

P.S. Any guesses on the type of bird'd eye this could be??? (Liz? any idea on the plural?)
;-)

Investing in me? I've been wondering...

I don't know much about investing.  Especially important kinds.  Today I saw a scene that collided with the incredible information I heard ALL DAY LONG... and, it got me pondering the pond.  Uh, I mean the river.

I was just wondering if the investing going on or in/off/whatever ;-) would be considered top-down investments or (the ever so similar... in appearance) bottom-up investing?

Or does it even matter cause I just wanted to put a picture of a duck-butt on my blog and we should all possibly reconsider???

Well, it probably means something more along the lines of:
I saw a duck dining on the river and really wanted to share it's unique posture on my fabulous blog... and it is quite late... and it was an amazing day filled with so much unbelievably good information and news that I couldn't possibly pick one to talk about.

Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Thank you for investing in me whichever way you look at it!  I am so pleased to be able to share these moments with you.  Even when I can't see which way is up!

Sweet dreams from Your Favorite Oxymoron!
Les

Surprise!!! I am at the...

NAMI Convention

Yup, that's right!  My mom and I flew down to San Antonio, Texas yesterday (yes, we flew!) in order to attend the National Alliance on Mental Illness.  And... that is why my ears are ringing right now.

         I have been PLANNING and PLANNING and PLANNING to blog about this AND everything else!  I swear to you!!!  I have unfortunately added more incomplete posts to the list... I may just copy and paste all of them on one blog and write to be continued on them!  Ha!  That is actually sounding like a great idea!  

So, ladies and gents, guess what?  My ringing and mind-blowing pressure in my ears has subsided!  And, I thank you... But, I thank ME too!!!  I remembered how important it is to step back and use a skill!  Now, that I remember how freakin' FREAKY this kind of stuff makes me... I will be heading in to a Special Presentation on Advancing Recovery with PLENTY of distress tolerance skills (especially grounding!) at the ready!  

And, speaking of presentations... First, I will be attending REVIVING PALIN OLD THERAPY: PROMOTING MENTALIZING IN RELATIONSHIPS

I will try to post as often as possible!  Even if it is just a pic or a quick note!  I have a feeling that I am going to be pretty busy (and TIRED!).

Oh, and thank you to the precious girl who asked if I had signed up for the Young Adults Session Guide!!!  The cutoff is 30... :-(  They were so cute!!!  And, they thought I was one of them!!!  Love it!

Your Favorite Oxymoron!

Leslie

I am a human being with Borderline Personality Disorder AND I have a lot more to me than that!

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?  check out this link for some information...
"
Please remember that I am human.  I am not perfect.  I was given free will.  My brain has been skewed by genetics and situations in my life.  I am constantly (even when it doesn't look like it...) working to be aware of my initial emotions before they take off without my permission!  Mindfulness.  I need a post about that.  I am sure I have started one...

Oh, and I have discovered a bit of a problem.  I will take suggestions or offers for assistance!  I think a tiny part of my issue with incomplete posts might have to do with a tiny issue I have with perfectionism.  Which I do know that perfection is pretty much impossible.  And possibly an issue I should work on a bit more.  But, one thing at a time people!  Come on! SO... (maria?) I am looking for an editor of sorts.  I would just like to have someone look over a post and point out obvious errors in grammar or punctuation.  AND I need someone who will not take the ME out of this... but possibly just keep a post more or less on the same subject.  Even a reminder that I wanted to expand on something I had spoken of earlier but cut off (hopefully) to get back to the point.  Huh.  What was the point to this post?  Seriously, I had NO idea the answer to that question until I reviewed the other text! haha... not funny...

Hope you are having a great start to the "Month AFTER National Borderline Personality Disorder Month!!!"  I heard in a movie once that it was good for a lady to be fashionably late...  I don't remember the exact parameters around the "fashionably" so I just stick with LATE!

Much warmth or cool (which ever you are in the mood for!) to all of you!

Leslie Cooper,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

It's not every day you run into the perfect gift...

Those of you who own iPhones or other smart phones probably know that you can set alarms and even add your own sound effects or songs to them.  (Someone I love dearly once gave me the gift of recording a humungous fart and setting it as the ring on my phone! One of my most favorite and endlessly emberassing gifts ever! Hahaha!) Anyway...

One of the AMAZING people who I met in California thought I was the funniest person ever for having an alarm set that said "Gitty up and GO girl!"

So here is the cheapest wedding present ever Lynn!

A gas station between the feed store and the barn... NO Joke! I LOVE IT!!!

 

YEP!  That's right!  Gitty UP!  And, when I saw that my last post was almost a week ago (and I thought I was on such a roll!!!) I was in shock.  It has most definitely been one of those weeks... But now?  It's time for me to Gitty Up! So, I'll work on a post tonight so I will have something for tomorrow.  

Hope you are all treating yourselves right!

And, if you aren't?  Guess what?  It's time to Gitty Up & GO! haha ;-)

Happy Friday!

Your FAVORITE Oxymoron,

Leslie

They used to call me "Grace" because I am so graceful. Right...

I am exhausted today. Truthfully, this is all I can muster blog-wise. But, I want to try and be more consistent so... What about all those almost finished posts? I thought I could tune one up real quick but the words on the screen were unintelligible.

So, I thought I'd share a bit of my AWESOME video and editing skills! Hahahaha! I made the music and everything!

Filmed May 8th of 2012. My sister's birthday. Her first born, Leah, was directing a game of follow the leader which later morphed into "Follow the Leah" (a more appropriate name as you can see...).

Maybe I should go and run like Leah (or Phoebe on Friends) around the neighborhood and see if that will reenergize me? Anyone up for joining me? Hahaha

Have a fantastic holiday weekend everybody!

Stay safe.
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

funnest part about flappin your lips??? i'll tell ya!

Ahhhh... The wise advise giver!

I really can't remember if I have mentioned this before. And, if I have? It is obviously time for a refresher! Ha!

So, I am an AMAZING advice giver!!! And, I know it!

I have this patience and perspective (that I am always talking about needing!) when listening to other peoples' stories. Well, lately, it happens I've run in to a lot of people who don't have any trouble mentioning... "...YOU ARE SO GREAT AT GIVING ADVICE! WHAT'S YOUR STORY??? HOW DO YOU APPLY THIS?"

Do they call this technique "putting one's foot in one's mouth"?!?!?!?!

Anyway, I know that I have mentioned that I have many mini-revelations while writing this blog. Hence the avoiding writing anything for a couple of months. Well, the other day I GAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE ADVICE! I mean to tell ya! I almost wanted to pat myself on the back! And then my lightbulb burst! Here is the lightbulb bursting advice I gave:

"Why don't you write down the story (problem/whatever)... Then, I will read it back to you! This way it will come from my lips... and YOU love me! So, YOU can tell me YOUR first reaction and what YOU would do 'if YOU were me'."

Burned.

And again, why I have not written much in the past couple of months.

When things spill out of my fingers on to this keyboard... Strangely, I am convicted to take my own advice! And, lately, I have been fluctuating between WILLING & WILLFUL so quickly it was making me dizzy! And my dizzy makes other people sick.

This moment.
This VERY moment.
This is a new moment.
This is a new moment                               .

Fill in your own blank.
I'll fill in mine.

Try to take care of yourselves.  I promise I will do the same.

Your Favorite Oxymoron.

Leslie

I have 27 "almost finished" drafts in the lineup...

It seems that at least one person noticed... Okay, I'll take that back! Only one person called me out on it. I have an idea a few others will give me "some feedback" during our next converstations.

Why did I have to go and make an "Any Questions???" section on my site anyway??? Here was the Question for today: 

Why haven't I heard from you in a while? I haven't had anything good to read. Are you hiding? lol

(Oh and thanks, RD, for the addition of a compliment! Very wise of you! Hahaha)

The ANSWER??? That is a tough one. I am obviously struggling. I am obviously ashamed that I am STILL struggling.  

There is this song. I heard it first from Willie Nelson, but it was written by Paul Simon. It turns out many (many many) other artist have covered the song as well. It is a song I have wept with or to or because of and sometimes I've just listened to it when I knew I needed a good cry. It gives perspective. Perspective that EVERYONE has something to struggle with. The events in the recent past and most likely in the near future (as we are under a Tornado Warning right now)... remind me how much pain there is in this world. How much loss. Loss. Loss... It pains me just to type the word. Everyone experiences loss. The next step? That is the key! What do you do with the pain? What do you do with the empty space? Where do you go next? Who do you turn to?  

We ALL need community! You can't stand alone! In my Faith, I am forever blessed to have someone by my side. BUT!!! Even as I say that... I want to emphasize that (even my God wants this for me), COMMUNITY IS NECESSARY! Hiding or avoiding community is not a step towards ending the pain. You know what else is necessary? ASKING FOR HELP from your community AND if you don't yet have the "community"?  It's time to start building your own! And, RESTING when you are weak or weary is NECESSARY! That is on of the reasons we NEED community. We need people to call on when we are too weak or too lost! AND... Guess what? We need to be held accountable to others.  Treat ourselves as we would treat others as well as treating others the way you would want to be treated!  

So, yes. I let myself be swallowed up in LOSS. It is a deep place to get out of and takes more energy than I have at times. But, I am still working on it.  

And... My name is Leslie and I go off on tangents sometimes... But, that is why I haven't been finishing posts lately. I am not going to read this again until it is posted.  Otherwise... It could take another nudge before I post. Re-read once!  Going to try and limit myself from going over and over and over again!  Maybe I should just have y'all edit me? Just kidding!  I realize the time involved in that project! Hahaha! I am hopeful that this will get me back in the game!

Oh! And, the song I was referring to earlier! It is a beautiful song. A powerful song.  

I have links for a couple of the artists who have covered it... Amazing to hear the difference between each of them.

Simon & Garfunkel ~ American Tune

Paul Simon ~ American Tune

Willie Nelson w/ Paul Simon on guitar ~ American Tune

Indigo Girls ~ American Tune

Eva Cassity ~ American Tune

Darrell Scott ~ American Tune

Crooked Still ~ American Tune

Curtis Stigers ~ American Tune

Dave Matthews ~ American Tune

Anastasia Barzee ~ American Tune

Glen Phillips ~ American Tune

Storyhill ~ American Tune

Kurt Elling & Metropole Orchestra ~ American Tune

So... that might be more than a couple of versions? And a tiny bit of obsessive-ness showing... Anyway, praying for all of the LOSS being experienced these days. It seems like more all the time...

Next step? Shower and Therapy! Rain shower... and sheepish tornado preparation! Thank the Lord I didn't need to know what I was doing!!!

Good to visit again.

Your Favorite Oxymoron,

Leslie

fighting to stay afloat...

It has been a long time since I have felt like giving up. Yesterday, I wanted to. Yesterday, I had planned my last post. Yesterday, I canceled my next therapy appointments. I was discouraged and exhausted and I wanted to walk away.

I am writing this now because I will not censor myself when it is uncomfortable. When I am discouraged I will express myself. I will not be afraid of what others think of me.

Today, I need to express that I am in pain. I am suffering. I am sad and lonely. I am so afraid. Today, I am walking, NO crawling, through these next moments when I must continue to learn how to protect myself. I must remember my rainbow. The promise of beauty that I will experience when I make it through this storm. And the next inevitable storms.

Today, I am fighting to stay afloat. Today, I am recommitting to fighting for the life I deserve to live. The life I deserve to enjoy and find fulfilling.

I will keep fighting. I won't stop. It will not always be easy AND it is my choice to continue. I must make it a life worth living. I will fight for ME. I will be stronger because of it.

When I was in California I was introduced to an amazing woman. She guided me through my first real experience with art therapy. I found her and this new and desperately needed form of expression and self discovery invaluable! The project I was given during our final session of 2012 was to somehow depict what I wanted to leave behind. I had never used acrylic paint before (I HAD NEVER EVEN PAINTED BEFORE!) and it turned out to be the perfect medium for this particular project. This is what I painted.
At the end of each session our small group would share our work with one another. This was always the point where I discovered how important what I had expressed really was. Now, I will do my best to explain what this means to me...

I have spent my life running. Running because I thought it was the only escape from my mistakes and from the fear, anger, and shame that burdened me. The problem with that is that I was running into a wall. And each time I hit that wall I ended up more broken and bruised and burdened. But, it was all I knew. It was all I could do. Because I had begun learning other ways to get through these things... the running was what I knew I wanted to leave behind. One of the girls in my group asked me what the thing was covering the bottom of the page. When I painted it I didn't see what I was doing. But, when I looked at it again... what I saw was HUGE! I had tried to cover up my mistake. I had never painted a leg! I just went for it. But, the feet really tripped me up. And I just started painting to cover up the mess. How VERY interesting! Not only did I run to try and escape... But, I hid just as hard. I didn't want anyone to see the mess. I didn't want anyone to know I didn't know what I was doing! I didn't want to look like I was an incompetent fool! When I discovered the significance of this project, I wept. These were the things I wanted to leave behind. I wanted to quit running AND I wanted to quit hiding! The only thing those two actions did for me was to cause me more pain and suffering. And, I wanted to quit damaging myself. I wanted to leave them in the past and try something new.

That is the one of the main reasons I created this blog. It should be pretty impossible for me to run and hide if I continue to use this blog to share my story. I need to share my successes AND my failures. But, considering how many years I ran and hid, I guess I should give myself a break if I get off track every once in a while.

Thanks for reading.

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Nothing to do but fall behind...

I was about to start this post out with a "Why" question... but, before I could even type it out, I knew the answer! So, I'll switch it up a little... Why is it that laziness breeds laziness? I mean, why do you need rest to live AND if you take it one minute too far it will only encourage slothliness? I need to have an invisible electric fence line that will *ZAP* me in to action just before I cross it! Otherwise it's just too easy to k.e.e.p.. o..n... s-l-o-w-i-n-g d--o--w--n... I also know that this very fact-o-business is one of the greatest reasons that Opposite Action is something I believe in. And, if I could just remember the concrete evidence that I have not only WITNESSED but EXPERIENCED... then I wouldn't even NEED to opposite action my butt out of here!

And, since I don't have a fence and I don't have my own personal cheerleader, I guess I am just going to have to do this myself.

Situations are usually beyond our control. Absolute control anyway. Oh boy, I suddenly remember promising myself something (and posting it here with the unfortunate fortunate result of rubbing it in my own face of reminding me of things I've already learned. DANG blabbermouth!!!) Oh yeah! That was part of a sentence!!! Ok. I remember saying that I would pick up the pieces of any "mess" I found myself in and try to make something beautiful. So... I can do that. I can try anyway. So, shouldn't the regular everyday uncomfortable situations be easier to deal with? Probably so. I probably am just not as motivated by the mundane as I am the catastrophes. I am kinda hating that I just admitted that one. :-P

Ok, so, right now. What to do right now? Do I go "all out"? "Genitals to the wall"!!! ;-) (sorry mom! sometimes I just can't stop myself! i am sure it is part of my "condition"... bawhahahhahah! see?!?!?!)

No. No, I DON'T sabotage myself by trying to do a bunch of things that I absolutely CAN NOT DO AT THIS TIME! No, I don't. I start right now. I go from this moment forth! And, thanks J.S. for the rock solid advice! I think I shall share it with the masses... My wise friend said, "If there's anything really easy you can do, do that... at least you can check something off your list." Because, interestingly enough, the truth that this post was based on is ALSO true here! When you make progress... you WANT to make more! It is fun gaining momentum!

This moment. It is a gift. I want to make the most of it. (now I've said it on the blog and I can rub my nose in it look back to it if I need a reminder.) :-P AND... Bedtime!

Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Moron Oxymoron

stop!!!

What is your highest level of education?

Q: What is your highest level of education?
A: Well, I have just completed my 35th year of living as a human, on Earth! You?

So... seriously, I know this question has shamed many people over the years. At least as long as formal education has existed... maybe before... I mean, I've even been side-shamed by this one! I once had a boyfriend tell me in an argument (trying to hurt my feelings...) that some girl had said to him, "She didn't even go to college!"

This particular insult never really bothered me. I know that I am an intelligent human being. I know that if I am interested in something I want to soak up every bit of information there is possible to discover about said interest! If I am not interested in something? Well, it's kinda like that something doesn't exist... not always a good thing. I did NOT do well in school. EVER. I barely made it through 2nd grade let alone high school... And, on my Facebook page, you will find "Napping" under the "What did you study in college?" column. I totally mastered that by the way!
Now, (serious again) you won't ever catch me saying that I have always made sound, thoughtful or brilliant choices... every time. That is a whole nuther story! But, college??? I don't have any desire to go and pay for the kind of torture school was for me... EVER AGAIN!

My school of choice? The School of Life! And, I can tell you I have learned some hard lessons. And it's a real good thing I had a chance to repeat some courses! Several times... Biggest lessons so far? Well, I'm glad you asked!

Lesson 1: Every action has a reaction. Everything that happens should have happened considering the circumstances proceeding it. (THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AGREE WITH EVERY HAPPENING!!!)

Lesson 2: I have a choice. I make choices that will alter my future. No matter the burden I feel to make a particular choice, I still have the power to choose.

Lesson 3: The exact reaction to my choice will be dependent on all choices all around the world at that moment and any moments preceding and proceeding my choice AND therefore I cannot predict my future. Neither can you! ;-)

My goal is to somehow make my circumstances work for me and to do the best I can with whatever comes next. I can't turn around and change ANYTHING! I can take my experience and make a new choice! My future holds so many possibilities. Possibilities beyond my comprehension! The exciting (and super scary) part is how each decision or choice or action I take, will continue to shape me. And, that is freedom. It will take hard work and guts! AND, I am worth it!!!

This past year, I began to appreciate the things in my life that make it more livable. In turn, I am living a lot more lovable life.

In no particular order, here are some things I would like to keep in my life or learn during the next and hardest "level of education" thus far...

~ continued learning and growth in my farming... I love me sheeps!
~ close relationships with my family that aren't "too close" a.k.a. "dependent on"
~ development of healthy relationships with those of you out there who are not genetically bound to me...
~ develop my yoga practice and find a schedule that meets (most of) my needs
~ ART EVERY DAY!!! art without judgment! experimental art! art with every emotion! art with "useless" objects! art to soothe myself. art to express myself. art with my niece, Little Lu
~ make yarn! find unusual fun things to do with wool/yarn!
~ to refuse to lie to myself and others about my needs, wants, goals or anything about ME!
~ to be aware of judgments and NOT let them rule me or any part of my life
~ to have a servants heart. to trust my Shepherd and trust His plan.
~ to be mindful
~ to enjoy every ounce of every moment possible!
~ to like myself, learn from myself, to live like someone I would like to learn from!!!
~ to break the rules I have suffocated myself with AND break the rules of having to be "normal" ~for whatever those are worth anyway!
~ stick to my values and morals even at great cost of looking (in some eyes) or feeling (in my own dad-gum head!) foolish
~ say stuff like "dad-gum!" and "boy-howdy!"
~ have a favorite bug! or a tie between two! aka. praying mantis & cicada... not locust... google... ;-)
~ continued expression of ME to YOU on this blog which I hope is a tiny bit helpful (every little bit counts!)
~ to forgive myself
~ to never give up
~ I want to show gratitude and to GIVE BACK!
~ I want to experience things that are in front of me AND beyond me!

And, I want to continue mastering the art of being me! There are four words I've found that pretty much sum it all up... **Remember most words have multiple meanings. I look forward to telling you more about what each of these means to me. :-)
~ DRAW ~ FARM ~ SPIN ~ LIVE ~

So, happy birthday to me! And happy day to you! Hope to see you around...





Warmly,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

*BONUS FUNNY FACE SHOTS!!!*


*BONUS SHEEPY PICS!*

Anniversary Blog! & Say WHAT?

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~

(1884-1962)

My question: Which "thing I think I cannot do" should I start with?

So, today marks one month since the inception of this blog. And... it's possible I should give myself some credit. (I'm sure I'd hear about it if I didn't...)

I was terrified to start this though. Not only was I afraid of people seeing me, I was afraid of seeing myself. fail. again. And I was really afraid of what would happen next. That last statement includes what would happen if something really were to come of this! Win! Win! Fear... Ick...

But, when I look back to these few posts... I do recognize the strength AND courage AND confidence I have gained in such a short time. Each post has catapulted me through to the next post. And, I feel an excitement when I'm writing them! The fear is still great big and really ugly AND I bulldoze my way through it.

Someone once told me to "imagine what it would look like to use all that negative energy (anger, shame, and fear) for good". Well, if that's what I'm warming up to...

Everybody... WATCH OUT!

Because that is where over 30 years of energy has been building!

And, if you've ever met "The Hulk" you know what I'm talking about! Can I hear an Amen? AMEN! I thought so...

Well, huh. What's next? I did start Tweeting again... I'm @faveoxymoron . This is pretty exciting for me too. I'll tell you why another time...

Later!

Your Favorite Oxymoron,
Leslie