I can't tell you how many times I have told someone I love (and random people on the street... probably)... "Remind me of this when I forget!"
SO... if anyone actually attempted the gentle reminder??? I am sure I would spit fire! Who knows what could be turned to cinders... yikes
I've just been wondering... When you have so many things to remember and practice BUT they aren't things that come up on a regular basis... H O W D O (I AM CURSING MYSELF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST SAW MY ANSWER WRITTEN IN THE SKY!!! Metaphorically of course...)
PRACTICE!!!
SON OF AN UGLY DONKEY! I should have seen this one coming...
I'm gonna have to get back to you on this one though. I've got to get up early and do my (orange) yoga practice. Long story. Need sleep. And practice.
Nighty nighty!
Les,
Your Favorite Oxymoron :-P
Showing posts with label blinding lights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blinding lights. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
I am a human being with Borderline Personality Disorder AND I have a lot more to me than that!
What is Borderline Personality Disorder? check out this link for some information...
"
Please remember that I am human. I am not perfect. I was given free will. My brain has been skewed by genetics and situations in my life. I am constantly (even when it doesn't look like it...) working to be aware of my initial emotions before they take off without my permission! Mindfulness. I need a post about that. I am sure I have started one...
Oh, and I have discovered a bit of a problem. I will take suggestions or offers for assistance! I think a tiny part of my issue with incomplete posts might have to do with a tiny issue I have with perfectionism. Which I do know that perfection is pretty much impossible. And possibly an issue I should work on a bit more. But, one thing at a time people! Come on! SO... (maria?) I am looking for an editor of sorts. I would just like to have someone look over a post and point out obvious errors in grammar or punctuation. AND I need someone who will not take the ME out of this... but possibly just keep a post more or less on the same subject. Even a reminder that I wanted to expand on something I had spoken of earlier but cut off (hopefully) to get back to the point. Huh. What was the point to this post? Seriously, I had NO idea the answer to that question until I reviewed the other text! haha... not funny...
Hope you are having a great start to the "Month AFTER National Borderline Personality Disorder Month!!!" I heard in a movie once that it was good for a lady to be fashionably late... I don't remember the exact parameters around the "fashionably" so I just stick with LATE!
Much warmth or cool (which ever you are in the mood for!) to all of you!
Leslie Cooper,
Your Favorite Oxymoron
"
Please remember that I am human. I am not perfect. I was given free will. My brain has been skewed by genetics and situations in my life. I am constantly (even when it doesn't look like it...) working to be aware of my initial emotions before they take off without my permission! Mindfulness. I need a post about that. I am sure I have started one...
Oh, and I have discovered a bit of a problem. I will take suggestions or offers for assistance! I think a tiny part of my issue with incomplete posts might have to do with a tiny issue I have with perfectionism. Which I do know that perfection is pretty much impossible. And possibly an issue I should work on a bit more. But, one thing at a time people! Come on! SO... (maria?) I am looking for an editor of sorts. I would just like to have someone look over a post and point out obvious errors in grammar or punctuation. AND I need someone who will not take the ME out of this... but possibly just keep a post more or less on the same subject. Even a reminder that I wanted to expand on something I had spoken of earlier but cut off (hopefully) to get back to the point. Huh. What was the point to this post? Seriously, I had NO idea the answer to that question until I reviewed the other text! haha... not funny...
Hope you are having a great start to the "Month AFTER National Borderline Personality Disorder Month!!!" I heard in a movie once that it was good for a lady to be fashionably late... I don't remember the exact parameters around the "fashionably" so I just stick with LATE!
Much warmth or cool (which ever you are in the mood for!) to all of you!
Leslie Cooper,
Your Favorite Oxymoron
Friday, May 24, 2013
funnest part about flappin your lips??? i'll tell ya!
Ahhhh... The wise advise giver!
I really can't remember if I have mentioned this before. And, if I have? It is obviously time for a refresher! Ha!
So, I am an AMAZING advice giver!!! And, I know it!
I have this patience and perspective (that I am always talking about needing!) when listening to other peoples' stories. Well, lately, it happens I've run in to a lot of people who don't have any trouble mentioning... "...YOU ARE SO GREAT AT GIVING ADVICE! WHAT'S YOUR STORY??? HOW DO YOU APPLY THIS?"
Do they call this technique "putting one's foot in one's mouth"?!?!?!?!
Anyway, I know that I have mentioned that I have many mini-revelations while writing this blog. Hence the avoiding writing anything for a couple of months. Well, the other day I GAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE ADVICE! I mean to tell ya! I almost wanted to pat myself on the back! And then my lightbulb burst! Here is the lightbulb bursting advice I gave:
"Why don't you write down the story (problem/whatever)... Then, I will read it back to you! This way it will come from my lips... and YOU love me! So, YOU can tell me YOUR first reaction and what YOU would do 'if YOU were me'."
Burned.
And again, why I have not written much in the past couple of months.
When things spill out of my fingers on to this keyboard... Strangely, I am convicted to take my own advice! And, lately, I have been fluctuating between WILLING & WILLFUL so quickly it was making me dizzy! And my dizzy makes other people sick.
This moment.
This VERY moment.
This is a new moment.
This is a new moment .
Fill in your own blank.
I'll fill in mine.
Try to take care of yourselves. I promise I will do the same.
Your Favorite Oxymoron.
Leslie
I really can't remember if I have mentioned this before. And, if I have? It is obviously time for a refresher! Ha!
So, I am an AMAZING advice giver!!! And, I know it!
I have this patience and perspective (that I am always talking about needing!) when listening to other peoples' stories. Well, lately, it happens I've run in to a lot of people who don't have any trouble mentioning... "...YOU ARE SO GREAT AT GIVING ADVICE! WHAT'S YOUR STORY??? HOW DO YOU APPLY THIS?"
Do they call this technique "putting one's foot in one's mouth"?!?!?!?!
Anyway, I know that I have mentioned that I have many mini-revelations while writing this blog. Hence the avoiding writing anything for a couple of months. Well, the other day I GAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE ADVICE! I mean to tell ya! I almost wanted to pat myself on the back! And then my lightbulb burst! Here is the lightbulb bursting advice I gave:
"Why don't you write down the story (problem/whatever)... Then, I will read it back to you! This way it will come from my lips... and YOU love me! So, YOU can tell me YOUR first reaction and what YOU would do 'if YOU were me'."
Burned.
And again, why I have not written much in the past couple of months.
When things spill out of my fingers on to this keyboard... Strangely, I am convicted to take my own advice! And, lately, I have been fluctuating between WILLING & WILLFUL so quickly it was making me dizzy! And my dizzy makes other people sick.
This moment.
This VERY moment.
This is a new moment.
This is a new moment .
Fill in your own blank.
I'll fill in mine.
Try to take care of yourselves. I promise I will do the same.
Your Favorite Oxymoron.
Monday, April 8, 2013
fighting to stay afloat...
It has been a long time since I have felt like giving up. Yesterday, I wanted to. Yesterday, I had planned my last post. Yesterday, I canceled my next therapy appointments. I was discouraged and exhausted and I wanted to walk away.
I am writing this now because I will not censor myself when it is uncomfortable. When I am discouraged I will express myself. I will not be afraid of what others think of me.
Today, I need to express that I am in pain. I am suffering. I am sad and lonely. I am so afraid. Today, I am walking, NO crawling, through these next moments when I must continue to learn how to protect myself. I must remember my rainbow. The promise of beauty that I will experience when I make it through this storm. And the next inevitable storms.
Today, I am fighting to stay afloat. Today, I am recommitting to fighting for the life I deserve to live. The life I deserve to enjoy and find fulfilling.
I will keep fighting. I won't stop. It will not always be easy AND it is my choice to continue. I must make it a life worth living. I will fight for ME. I will be stronger because of it.
When I was in California I was introduced to an amazing woman. She guided me through my first real experience with art therapy. I found her and this new and desperately needed form of expression and self discovery invaluable! The project I was given during our final session of 2012 was to somehow depict what I wanted to leave behind. I had never used acrylic paint before (I HAD NEVER EVEN PAINTED BEFORE!) and it turned out to be the perfect medium for this particular project. This is what I painted.
At the end of each session our small group would share our work with one another. This was always the point where I discovered how important what I had expressed really was. Now, I will do my best to explain what this means to me...
I have spent my life running. Running because I thought it was the only escape from my mistakes and from the fear, anger, and shame that burdened me. The problem with that is that I was running into a wall. And each time I hit that wall I ended up more broken and bruised and burdened. But, it was all I knew. It was all I could do. Because I had begun learning other ways to get through these things... the running was what I knew I wanted to leave behind. One of the girls in my group asked me what the thing was covering the bottom of the page. When I painted it I didn't see what I was doing. But, when I looked at it again... what I saw was HUGE! I had tried to cover up my mistake. I had never painted a leg! I just went for it. But, the feet really tripped me up. And I just started painting to cover up the mess. How VERY interesting! Not only did I run to try and escape... But, I hid just as hard. I didn't want anyone to see the mess. I didn't want anyone to know I didn't know what I was doing! I didn't want to look like I was an incompetent fool! When I discovered the significance of this project, I wept. These were the things I wanted to leave behind. I wanted to quit running AND I wanted to quit hiding! The only thing those two actions did for me was to cause me more pain and suffering. And, I wanted to quit damaging myself. I wanted to leave them in the past and try something new.
That is the one of the main reasons I created this blog. It should be pretty impossible for me to run and hide if I continue to use this blog to share my story. I need to share my successes AND my failures. But, considering how many years I ran and hid, I guess I should give myself a break if I get off track every once in a while.
Thanks for reading.
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron
I am writing this now because I will not censor myself when it is uncomfortable. When I am discouraged I will express myself. I will not be afraid of what others think of me.
Today, I need to express that I am in pain. I am suffering. I am sad and lonely. I am so afraid. Today, I am walking, NO crawling, through these next moments when I must continue to learn how to protect myself. I must remember my rainbow. The promise of beauty that I will experience when I make it through this storm. And the next inevitable storms.
Today, I am fighting to stay afloat. Today, I am recommitting to fighting for the life I deserve to live. The life I deserve to enjoy and find fulfilling.
I will keep fighting. I won't stop. It will not always be easy AND it is my choice to continue. I must make it a life worth living. I will fight for ME. I will be stronger because of it.
When I was in California I was introduced to an amazing woman. She guided me through my first real experience with art therapy. I found her and this new and desperately needed form of expression and self discovery invaluable! The project I was given during our final session of 2012 was to somehow depict what I wanted to leave behind. I had never used acrylic paint before (I HAD NEVER EVEN PAINTED BEFORE!) and it turned out to be the perfect medium for this particular project. This is what I painted.
At the end of each session our small group would share our work with one another. This was always the point where I discovered how important what I had expressed really was. Now, I will do my best to explain what this means to me...
I have spent my life running. Running because I thought it was the only escape from my mistakes and from the fear, anger, and shame that burdened me. The problem with that is that I was running into a wall. And each time I hit that wall I ended up more broken and bruised and burdened. But, it was all I knew. It was all I could do. Because I had begun learning other ways to get through these things... the running was what I knew I wanted to leave behind. One of the girls in my group asked me what the thing was covering the bottom of the page. When I painted it I didn't see what I was doing. But, when I looked at it again... what I saw was HUGE! I had tried to cover up my mistake. I had never painted a leg! I just went for it. But, the feet really tripped me up. And I just started painting to cover up the mess. How VERY interesting! Not only did I run to try and escape... But, I hid just as hard. I didn't want anyone to see the mess. I didn't want anyone to know I didn't know what I was doing! I didn't want to look like I was an incompetent fool! When I discovered the significance of this project, I wept. These were the things I wanted to leave behind. I wanted to quit running AND I wanted to quit hiding! The only thing those two actions did for me was to cause me more pain and suffering. And, I wanted to quit damaging myself. I wanted to leave them in the past and try something new.
That is the one of the main reasons I created this blog. It should be pretty impossible for me to run and hide if I continue to use this blog to share my story. I need to share my successes AND my failures. But, considering how many years I ran and hid, I guess I should give myself a break if I get off track every once in a while.
Thanks for reading.
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron
Monday, March 25, 2013
Nothing to do but fall behind...
I was about to start this post out with a "Why" question... but, before I could even type it out, I knew the answer! So, I'll switch it up a little... Why is it that laziness breeds laziness? I mean, why do you need rest to live AND if you take it one minute too far it will only encourage slothliness? I need to have an invisible electric fence line that will *ZAP* me in to action just before I cross it! Otherwise it's just too easy to k.e.e.p.. o..n... s-l-o-w-i-n-g d--o--w--n... I also know that this very fact-o-business is one of the greatest reasons that Opposite Action is something I believe in. And, if I could just remember the concrete evidence that I have not only WITNESSED but EXPERIENCED... then I wouldn't even NEED to opposite action my butt out of here!
And, since I don't have a fence and I don't have my own personal cheerleader, I guess I am just going to have to do this myself.
Situations are usually beyond our control. Absolute control anyway. Oh boy, I suddenly remember promising myself something (and posting it here with theunfortunate fortunate result of rubbing it in my own face of reminding me of things I've already learned. DANG blabbermouth!!!) Oh yeah! That was part of a sentence!!! Ok. I remember saying that I would pick up the pieces of any "mess" I found myself in and try to make something beautiful. So... I can do that. I can try anyway. So, shouldn't the regular everyday uncomfortable situations be easier to deal with? Probably so. I probably am just not as motivated by the mundane as I am the catastrophes. I am kinda hating that I just admitted that one. :-P
Ok, so, right now. What to do right now? Do I go "all out"? "Genitals to the wall"!!! ;-) (sorry mom! sometimes I just can't stop myself! i am sure it is part of my "condition"... bawhahahhahah! see?!?!?!)
No. No, I DON'T sabotage myself by trying to do a bunch of things that I absolutely CAN NOT DO AT THIS TIME! No, I don't. I start right now. I go from this moment forth! And, thanks J.S. for the rock solid advice! I think I shall share it with the masses... My wise friend said, "If there's anything really easy you can do, do that... at least you can check something off your list." Because, interestingly enough, the truth that this post was based on is ALSO true here! When you make progress... you WANT to make more! It is fun gaining momentum!
This moment. It is a gift. I want to make the most of it. (now I've said it on the blog and I canrub my nose in it look back to it if I need a reminder.) :-P AND... Bedtime!
Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!
Leslie,
Your FavoriteMoron Oxymoron
stop!!!
And, since I don't have a fence and I don't have my own personal cheerleader, I guess I am just going to have to do this myself.
Situations are usually beyond our control. Absolute control anyway. Oh boy, I suddenly remember promising myself something (and posting it here with the
Ok, so, right now. What to do right now? Do I go "all out"? "Genitals to the wall"!!! ;-) (sorry mom! sometimes I just can't stop myself! i am sure it is part of my "condition"... bawhahahhahah! see?!?!?!)
No. No, I DON'T sabotage myself by trying to do a bunch of things that I absolutely CAN NOT DO AT THIS TIME! No, I don't. I start right now. I go from this moment forth! And, thanks J.S. for the rock solid advice! I think I shall share it with the masses... My wise friend said, "If there's anything really easy you can do, do that... at least you can check something off your list." Because, interestingly enough, the truth that this post was based on is ALSO true here! When you make progress... you WANT to make more! It is fun gaining momentum!
This moment. It is a gift. I want to make the most of it. (now I've said it on the blog and I can
Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!
Leslie,
Your Favorite
stop!!!
Monday, February 11, 2013
Say WHAT?
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
~ Winston Churchill ~
British politician (1874 - 1965)
This pretty much summarizes my greatest lesson of the past several months. Well, ok, two of the greatest anyway... :-P
And now, I will present to you TWO, that's right! TWO of my mega show stopping fears...
drumroll please...
Speaking up when it's necessary!
AND...
drumroll again(?)... please(!)...
Shutting UP when it's time to listen!
So, in the spirit of speaking up and s
Do you relate to this "quote" somehow? Do you have a different perspective regarding this "quote"? Do you just want to make me smile by leaving a little something in the comments section???
I'm going out on a limb here folks! Addressing more great fears of rejection and failure here... So, help a girl out and tell me something!
With much gratitude,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron <3
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Say WHAT?
“Let him who would move the world, first move himself.”
~ Socrates ~
Greek Philosopher (470 BC- 399 BC)
I love quotes! Love love love them! Sometimes, they sting a little...
Warmly,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron
Thursday, February 7, 2013
time flies when...
Time flies when... well, all the time. Doesn't it? And, no matter what, I always feel unprepared for the next thing on the horizon.
One week ago today I moved out of my second home. It was definitely not the second house I have ever lived in. I think I lived through 5 houses before I was out of high school. But, home wise? That is surly only two. And the thing that I recognized a week and one days ago was a whopper! It was one of those "lightbulb moments" I will talk about frequently on this blog. The kind that are blinding! Sometimes the light is a long awaited one. Sometimes I don't even know I've seen it until I start telling someone else and I can't shake those irritating sun spots! This one was a little of both. I will share an excerpt from an email I wrote to my DBT class facilitator/therapist here in Texas.
January 30, 2013:
"I am really really really nervous. I am so glad I will have a little break with my friend this weekend. Whew. It will be a much needed vacation. Have u checked out the blog yet? Just wondering... You might like it." :-P
"I am sure you have felt what I'm feeling right now... I feel like I'm leaving home instead of coming home. Like I have to cut this umbilical cord and strike out on my own. Funny, I just realized that I never did this with my family, EVER! Even my actual umbilical cord started rotting and stinking and wouldn't fall off! Mom and Dad called the doctor who told Dad he had to pull it off! Whew... I really didn't want to let go... of that dependence... of having to take care of myself, by myself... I now know that when I do cut the actual cord it isn't like cutting off part of me! The things that I am separating from don't disappear! They are a part of me now! It is just the wormy tube of jelly (gross!) that I am getting rid of. It is just time to start feeding myself... That's sumthin..."
Now, I still agree that "that's sumthin"... Don't get me wrong! I also know this... The time I was writing that email I had run out of options... at least any that kept me in California. My second home. My place of residence and refuge. My safe place where I did a massive amount of growing up and where I felt (for the first time in my life) like I belonged. I know that I would have struggled leaving "home" at any point (which is possibly one of the reasons I never really did in the first place...) AND I still feel this came a little prematurely. But, some things are just way beyond my control, no matter how hard I try to wrangle them.
My farewell last Thursdayday was pretty darn unbelievable. You want to see the excerpt? ;-) I titled this email (to my family and DBT therapist), I'm safe in bed all tucked in and hopefully passing out any minute...
January 31, 2013:
What a day... What a day... I think it will take me a while to recover from this one! Whew-wee... It was wonderful though. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. I've been trying to figure out why it felt so different... Besides the fact that it felt like home... (No offense fam! I just didn't feel alien there. That's all. It is different but the same.) You probably know what I'm talking about. When you are with people you love like family because it is such a great connection. AND, when I walked in to a room I was funny(!) rather than feeling like the butt of a joke!
These women, that I worked so hard with and admired so very much, said some things that I will never forget. Well, I guess I will never forget the way I felt when the words were spoken. Cause I couldn't remember half of them the moment after. Ha. It was soooooooo sad. It was sooooo huge. And it was sooo beautiful and hopeful. It felt good. I felt and still feel that the things they said are true... That's weird, isn't it???
Alright, well it's about that time..."
And, guess who fell asleep before I finished or sent my "don't worry about me I'm safe at my friends home" email? I did! My computer battery had run out completely by the time I woke the next morning to it sitting open on the edge of my bed. I apparently didn't move a muscle. Thank goodness!
So, this past week has been interesting to say the least. I spent the first half of it painting with friends on a beautiful patio, developing silly new dance moves (aka. New Opposite Action Moves!), giggling, crying, reminiscing and making memories. The second half has been almost identical weather wise, giggling wise, crying wise, reminiscing and making memories wise. Overall, I shouldn't complain. ha! I am loveloveloveloveloving spending more time with my sheeps! Farming and shepherding were the two things I couldn't access in California. It just wasn't gonna happen... I have had some fantastic reunions with my sweet niece (among other sweet family members). I am working with my DBT therapist again and rerooting myself in a weekly class. Next week I will conquer the office! And who nose ;-) what will be next??? If you do, please don't tell me! One thing at a time ~ ONLY! And sleep is next right now...
Sweet dreams ladies and gents!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron
<3 and you know that saying "Home is where the heart is." I'll take YOU (my home and my heart) with me everywhere i go... sounds nice...
One week ago today I moved out of my second home. It was definitely not the second house I have ever lived in. I think I lived through 5 houses before I was out of high school. But, home wise? That is surly only two. And the thing that I recognized a week and one days ago was a whopper! It was one of those "lightbulb moments" I will talk about frequently on this blog. The kind that are blinding! Sometimes the light is a long awaited one. Sometimes I don't even know I've seen it until I start telling someone else and I can't shake those irritating sun spots! This one was a little of both. I will share an excerpt from an email I wrote to my DBT class facilitator/therapist here in Texas.
January 30, 2013:
"I am really really really nervous. I am so glad I will have a little break with my friend this weekend. Whew. It will be a much needed vacation. Have u checked out the blog yet? Just wondering... You might like it." :-P
"I am sure you have felt what I'm feeling right now... I feel like I'm leaving home instead of coming home. Like I have to cut this umbilical cord and strike out on my own. Funny, I just realized that I never did this with my family, EVER! Even my actual umbilical cord started rotting and stinking and wouldn't fall off! Mom and Dad called the doctor who told Dad he had to pull it off! Whew... I really didn't want to let go... of that dependence... of having to take care of myself, by myself... I now know that when I do cut the actual cord it isn't like cutting off part of me! The things that I am separating from don't disappear! They are a part of me now! It is just the wormy tube of jelly (gross!) that I am getting rid of. It is just time to start feeding myself... That's sumthin..."
Now, I still agree that "that's sumthin"... Don't get me wrong! I also know this... The time I was writing that email I had run out of options... at least any that kept me in California. My second home. My place of residence and refuge. My safe place where I did a massive amount of growing up and where I felt (for the first time in my life) like I belonged. I know that I would have struggled leaving "home" at any point (which is possibly one of the reasons I never really did in the first place...) AND I still feel this came a little prematurely. But, some things are just way beyond my control, no matter how hard I try to wrangle them.
My farewell last Thursday
January 31, 2013:
What a day... What a day... I think it will take me a while to recover from this one! Whew-wee... It was wonderful though. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. I've been trying to figure out why it felt so different... Besides the fact that it felt like home... (No offense fam! I just didn't feel alien there. That's all. It is different but the same.) You probably know what I'm talking about. When you are with people you love like family because it is such a great connection. AND, when I walked in to a room I was funny(!) rather than feeling like the butt of a joke!
These women, that I worked so hard with and admired so very much, said some things that I will never forget. Well, I guess I will never forget the way I felt when the words were spoken. Cause I couldn't remember half of them the moment after. Ha. It was soooooooo sad. It was sooooo huge. And it was sooo beautiful and hopeful. It felt good. I felt and still feel that the things they said are true... That's weird, isn't it???
Alright, well it's about that time..."
And, guess who fell asleep before I finished or sent my "don't worry about me I'm safe at my friends home" email? I did! My computer battery had run out completely by the time I woke the next morning to it sitting open on the edge of my bed. I apparently didn't move a muscle. Thank goodness!
So, this past week has been interesting to say the least. I spent the first half of it painting with friends on a beautiful patio, developing silly new dance moves (aka. New Opposite Action Moves!), giggling, crying, reminiscing and making memories. The second half has been almost identical weather wise, giggling wise, crying wise, reminiscing and making memories wise. Overall, I shouldn't complain. ha! I am loveloveloveloveloving spending more time with my sheeps! Farming and shepherding were the two things I couldn't access in California. It just wasn't gonna happen... I have had some fantastic reunions with my sweet niece (among other sweet family members). I am working with my DBT therapist again and rerooting myself in a weekly class. Next week I will conquer the office! And who nose ;-) what will be next??? If you do, please don't tell me! One thing at a time ~ ONLY! And sleep is next right now...
Sweet dreams ladies and gents!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron
<3 and you know that saying "Home is where the heart is." I'll take YOU (my home and my heart) with me everywhere i go... sounds nice...
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