opposite action... sometimes it's BACKWARDS!?!

Well, have I got a doozy for you?!?!?  I re-recognized this weekend that Opposite Action isn't always the "action" you think it should be!  Well... LA-a-ah-TEE-DA (as Grandpa always said)...  I really wish someone had written a rule book for me here!  Funny (aka SAD) thing is, I might have gone ahead and read it! I know I would have bought it! haha... Who knows if I would have understood it!?!?  [insert smiley face with one of those ptdhhhhhhhhhAHHH!!!s]  Well, I guess it's time for me to explain myself...

Sometimes... Opposite Action... is saying, "I can't.", "I don't understand.", "No thank you.", etc.

Maybe I am the only one who seems conflicted here?  All I know is that sometimes my immediate and SUPER POWERFUL instinct is to say... "Sure!!!", "I'm so glad you asked!",  "I'd love to!", "I'll get right on that!", "No problem!", and on and on and on and on... I have an instinctual feeling that I should DO.  Even some things that I am just not capable of doing.

It seems the mountain I am about to climb will sound more like... "I don't know if I have time.", "I don't know how that works.", "Are you speaking English?!?!?!" and my favorite... "NO!" 

So, this is one of the greatest quandaries of my life...  When to STRIVE for GREATNESS and when to say... "I give!"???

My example includes frustration, confusion, fear, shame, procrastination, hope, great ideas, trust, last minute cover my butt's, disappointment AND a lesson.  Unfortunately, the lesson is not my first and probably not my last on this particular subject. So, here goes...

I was asked, to my great honor, to create a picture for the front of my mom's 4th grade Vacation Bible School class.  The theme is ironically FEAR.  Ha!  And, I had HUGE ideas bubbling up in my head for a week or two!  Well, because I want you to keep on reading, I will try to be concise... I started way later than I should have.  I was WAY too detailed!  Just to give you an idea... I was trying to make the roller coaster car sparkle NOT with glitter (which seems so obvious now...) but by using a heat fusible fiber and shaping it to give dimension.  The greenery was made from the funny papers wadded up and smeared with green acrylic paint. And the sky needed wool!  I mean DUH!  Also... pictures of my nieces/dads hands enlarged and used to be lifelike. All of this was going to hang on butcher paper for a week and then torn down and thrown away.  I was sure I could do it. And I knew there was NO WAY. Oh, and do we think that I let anyone know what was going on or NOT going on with my door hanging? No... not until I had given up and sat staring... day dreaming about how it should have been and trying to figure out how I could make it work... and watching (almost tangibly) the panic build in me as I tried to figure out how to tell my mom that I just couldn't. When I finally got the words out (and tried like mad to not make my mom feel bad for asking me!!!) we were in to the final 24 hours before the kiddos would walk through that door...

Don't worry... Mom and Pops got their heads together and whipped together a perfect door hanging! And, I tried to explain myself. I was honored to be asked. I wanted to do it! I think I will be capable of doing something like this in the future. This time... I learned a lesson and got my butt saved again.

So, Opposite Action Day and Opposite Day ARE NOT THE SAME! The idea behind Opposite Action is to do the most effective thing possible. Effective Action Day just doesn't have the same ring to it...
:-P

Have a great Opposite Action Day!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron  

funnest part about flappin your lips??? i'll tell ya!

Ahhhh... The wise advise giver!

I really can't remember if I have mentioned this before. And, if I have? It is obviously time for a refresher! Ha!

So, I am an AMAZING advice giver!!! And, I know it!

I have this patience and perspective (that I am always talking about needing!) when listening to other peoples' stories. Well, lately, it happens I've run in to a lot of people who don't have any trouble mentioning... "...YOU ARE SO GREAT AT GIVING ADVICE! WHAT'S YOUR STORY??? HOW DO YOU APPLY THIS?"

Do they call this technique "putting one's foot in one's mouth"?!?!?!?!

Anyway, I know that I have mentioned that I have many mini-revelations while writing this blog. Hence the avoiding writing anything for a couple of months. Well, the other day I GAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE ADVICE! I mean to tell ya! I almost wanted to pat myself on the back! And then my lightbulb burst! Here is the lightbulb bursting advice I gave:

"Why don't you write down the story (problem/whatever)... Then, I will read it back to you! This way it will come from my lips... and YOU love me! So, YOU can tell me YOUR first reaction and what YOU would do 'if YOU were me'."

Burned.

And again, why I have not written much in the past couple of months.

When things spill out of my fingers on to this keyboard... Strangely, I am convicted to take my own advice! And, lately, I have been fluctuating between WILLING & WILLFUL so quickly it was making me dizzy! And my dizzy makes other people sick.

This moment.
This VERY moment.
This is a new moment.
This is a new moment                               .

Fill in your own blank.
I'll fill in mine.

Try to take care of yourselves.  I promise I will do the same.

Your Favorite Oxymoron.

Leslie

fighting to stay afloat...

It has been a long time since I have felt like giving up. Yesterday, I wanted to. Yesterday, I had planned my last post. Yesterday, I canceled my next therapy appointments. I was discouraged and exhausted and I wanted to walk away.

I am writing this now because I will not censor myself when it is uncomfortable. When I am discouraged I will express myself. I will not be afraid of what others think of me.

Today, I need to express that I am in pain. I am suffering. I am sad and lonely. I am so afraid. Today, I am walking, NO crawling, through these next moments when I must continue to learn how to protect myself. I must remember my rainbow. The promise of beauty that I will experience when I make it through this storm. And the next inevitable storms.

Today, I am fighting to stay afloat. Today, I am recommitting to fighting for the life I deserve to live. The life I deserve to enjoy and find fulfilling.

I will keep fighting. I won't stop. It will not always be easy AND it is my choice to continue. I must make it a life worth living. I will fight for ME. I will be stronger because of it.

When I was in California I was introduced to an amazing woman. She guided me through my first real experience with art therapy. I found her and this new and desperately needed form of expression and self discovery invaluable! The project I was given during our final session of 2012 was to somehow depict what I wanted to leave behind. I had never used acrylic paint before (I HAD NEVER EVEN PAINTED BEFORE!) and it turned out to be the perfect medium for this particular project. This is what I painted.
At the end of each session our small group would share our work with one another. This was always the point where I discovered how important what I had expressed really was. Now, I will do my best to explain what this means to me...

I have spent my life running. Running because I thought it was the only escape from my mistakes and from the fear, anger, and shame that burdened me. The problem with that is that I was running into a wall. And each time I hit that wall I ended up more broken and bruised and burdened. But, it was all I knew. It was all I could do. Because I had begun learning other ways to get through these things... the running was what I knew I wanted to leave behind. One of the girls in my group asked me what the thing was covering the bottom of the page. When I painted it I didn't see what I was doing. But, when I looked at it again... what I saw was HUGE! I had tried to cover up my mistake. I had never painted a leg! I just went for it. But, the feet really tripped me up. And I just started painting to cover up the mess. How VERY interesting! Not only did I run to try and escape... But, I hid just as hard. I didn't want anyone to see the mess. I didn't want anyone to know I didn't know what I was doing! I didn't want to look like I was an incompetent fool! When I discovered the significance of this project, I wept. These were the things I wanted to leave behind. I wanted to quit running AND I wanted to quit hiding! The only thing those two actions did for me was to cause me more pain and suffering. And, I wanted to quit damaging myself. I wanted to leave them in the past and try something new.

That is the one of the main reasons I created this blog. It should be pretty impossible for me to run and hide if I continue to use this blog to share my story. I need to share my successes AND my failures. But, considering how many years I ran and hid, I guess I should give myself a break if I get off track every once in a while.

Thanks for reading.

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Anniversary Blog! & Say WHAT?

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~

(1884-1962)

My question: Which "thing I think I cannot do" should I start with?

So, today marks one month since the inception of this blog. And... it's possible I should give myself some credit. (I'm sure I'd hear about it if I didn't...)

I was terrified to start this though. Not only was I afraid of people seeing me, I was afraid of seeing myself. fail. again. And I was really afraid of what would happen next. That last statement includes what would happen if something really were to come of this! Win! Win! Fear... Ick...

But, when I look back to these few posts... I do recognize the strength AND courage AND confidence I have gained in such a short time. Each post has catapulted me through to the next post. And, I feel an excitement when I'm writing them! The fear is still great big and really ugly AND I bulldoze my way through it.

Someone once told me to "imagine what it would look like to use all that negative energy (anger, shame, and fear) for good". Well, if that's what I'm warming up to...

Everybody... WATCH OUT!

Because that is where over 30 years of energy has been building!

And, if you've ever met "The Hulk" you know what I'm talking about! Can I hear an Amen? AMEN! I thought so...

Well, huh. What's next? I did start Tweeting again... I'm @faveoxymoron . This is pretty exciting for me too. I'll tell you why another time...

Later!

Your Favorite Oxymoron,
Leslie

I'm Alive!

I'm writing this post on the fly this morning... And, I'm writing it because the last time I was frantic and I wrote a post it helped. Big time! Oh maaaaaaan!!! Now, I am wanting to figure out why it helped so much! Ok, so... I am going to "shelve" that topic since it wouldn't be effective to think about it now. And... it's shelved.
:-P

Today will be my first day back in the office (during office hours, aka. when people are there.) SINCE 10/11/12. I will go more into the reasons why in a later post, when I have time to sit and contemplate my words. This post is reserved for going back. Now, most people probably know how it feels to go back to work after a few sick days. Right? Does anyone ever feel like people are judging them about "WHY?" they actually took the days off and have a tinge of guilt or shame about whether they were actually sick enough to NOT come in to the office OR if they really just wanted a day off? Whew! Let me catch my breath... Ok, so, does anyone know what I'm talking about? I have a feeling I am not alone here... But, a lot of times I am on a different "train" than most...

Well, my experience here, today, is causing a lot of shame to want to erupt... right on out of my mouth... And, I left all my buckets at the barn!

Anxiety is a KILLER! A killer of spirit and action.

And today, I MUST FIGHT BACK!

And today, I will celebrate the fact that I'm ALIVE!

I have a good job. I have a great family! I have my sheeps! I have a Holy Father! I have supportive friends! I have a future! I have goals and hopes and dreams!

I am going to "Opposite Action" my way right through that door as if no event or lack there of has happened between today and 10/11/12.

WOO HOO! Look at me all amped up to go to work! Hahaha! This bloggy thing is working already! ;-)

I do want to leave you on this blog today... with a song. I played this song over and over and over again the week I was planning to come back to Texas. And, I played this song for some of my friends and some of the ladies who helped me get to the point where I COULD ACTUALLY SING THIS SONG AND MEAN IT!!!

The song is titled "I'm Alive", and it moves me so to hear Willie Nelson sing it. I hope you will stop and listen to it too. My wish for everyone who reads this blog is, that you too can sing this song, and MEAN IT, with Willie and ME .

Here it is on Youtube:


With hope,

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron <3

Say WHAT?

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

~ Winston Churchill ~

British politician (1874 - 1965)

This pretty much summarizes my greatest lesson of the past several months. Well, ok, two of the greatest anyway... :-P

And now, I will present to you TWO, that's right! TWO of my mega show stopping fears...

drumroll please...

Speaking up when it's necessary!

AND...

drumroll again(?)... please(!)...

Shutting UP when it's time to listen!

So, in the spirit of speaking up and shutting up listening ;-) LET'S MAKE THIS INTERACTIVE!!!

Do you relate to this "quote" somehow? Do you have a different perspective regarding this "quote"? Do you just want to make me smile by leaving a little something in the comments section???

I'm going out on a limb here folks! Addressing more great fears of rejection and failure here... So, help a girl out and tell me something!

With much gratitude,

Leslie,

Your Favorite Oxymoron <3