I'll be back soon!!!

Lots of HUGE things in the works!!!   Just wanted to shout out "what what" to my peeps and let you know things are moving right a long...  And, I'll get something together (in the next coupla days) to summarize what's been going on.

Hugs and love to ALL!!!

Your Favorite Oxymoron...  Leslie Cooper!

My presence is my present...

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! 

Happy Season of GIFTS!

There are many important gifts this season. Gifts to be given, gifts to be received, gifts to be remembered, and gifts to be realized. I'd like to share a bit about the gift I have been enjoying lately and a little about how I came to realize it.

First off, I do want to acknowledge that it has been quite a while since you've heard from me. I want to assure you that it's not been for lack of working toward my goal of building a life worth living... Or out of a desire to keep to myself. I have actually thought of blogging many times since my last post. I was sure that fear or shame were behind my inactivity. As I begin to write this post though... I believe it’s more likely I just hadn't found the right words. Or possibly, I hadn't had the experiences necessary to put those words together and feel like they were correct and complete. Now that I have lived a little more and learned a lot more, I feel that I can express myself and be happy in the fullness of my expression. Now… I'm gonna express myself!

So, this gift I'd like to speak about… it’s a gift I was given the moment I was given life. The gift of that very moment. The gift of each moment. 

I don’t know at what point in my life I was blinded to it. Thoughts about my past or fear of my future began taking over my moments so early on that it is hard to find many clear and happy memories of my childhood or even adulthood. Years of my life were eclipsed by my inability to realize the moments available to me. What a vicious cycle…

As the cycle continued, it increased in its vigor and in its ability to obscure my present. I tried for years to overcome my pervasive depression, anxiety, etc. I tried several different therapists, countless psychotropic medications, self medicating with alcohol and other awful self destructive behavior… Most of these attempts at happiness or at least a life that was somewhat “livable” only opened the doors to more sadness, shame and most of all fear. 

I began weekly classes, aka “skills training”, in Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT) in December 2011. One major attention getter for me in my initial exposure to DBT was a silly little picture and description of the DBT House of Treatment. You can see a picture of it here. I guess what hit home for me most was all of the previous years in therapy that seemed to go nowhere besides the frequent downward spiral. DBT teaches four main skill sets ~ Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. For me, these skills needed to be in place BEFORE I hash out all the old and try to plan for a healthy future. And, I would soon realize how polar opposite my conditioned responses were to (almost all) situations around these topics and the preferred course of action. But, what about this MINDFULNESS business? At least the other stuff, although so ridiculously embarrassingly simple, made sense. Mindfulness seemed like a waste of time. A really REALLY uncomfortable waste of time. Or maybe I should just say… It freaked me the freaky freak out! And I just couldn’t “get it” during the first 10 months of weekly “skills training” classes, additional weekly sessions with my “DBT coach” (still seeing my regular therapist 2-3 times a week). So, after several downward spirals turned into devastating cyclones, my family gave me an ultimatum. This ultimatum took less than a week to spit upon (very different language than I was spitting out at the time). When all was said and done (on this point at least), I made a decision to spend some time in California. Not “on vacation”. Not “visiting friends”. Not “taking some classes”. With the help of my family, I checked myself in to Clearview Women’s Center, a residential mental health facility. It was one of a handful of places where I could completely focus on what I needed to learn in an environment that was safe for me and a little restrained. At Clearview, which has built an entire program around DBT, I would finally come to understand the meaning and benefits of Mindfulness. I learned to breathe at Clearview. I learned to be a witness to my body and mind and not to run from this awareness. I was able to identify triggers for my extreme emotions and I began to notice the role of my physical self in relation to my emotions. I also got lots of practice looking at situations and finding ways to deter or halt my emotions or satisfy some need in a healthy way instead of losing control. I learned about expression through art. I began to see the benefits of healthy relationships. I began to see patterns… good and bad. I became a DBT cheerleader! During my three months at Clearview Women’s Center, I gained a better understanding of what I needed in order to finish out my “basement level” or Stage 1 in the DBT House of Treatment. And, though I was not ready to leave, the money was gone and insurance had denied a final appeal for coverage and I had to leave with no “roof” over my head. I did have a foundation though and it was solid enough to get me through the tumultuous times to come with the knowledge that a rainbow was on the other side of the storms.

If people asked, and even when they didn’t… I’d say that the Clearview Women’s Center had almost everything. The thing they were missing was some interaction with animals. Not just petting them or playing with them (although that’s always a bonus when around animals)… But, as I knew from experience with my sheep (and other animals in my life), the benefits to be gained by working with and around animals are just SO great.

Some examples:

1.The act of taking care of something besides yourself~ humbling AND empowering

2.Problem solving~ dealing with the unexpected

3.Learning new skills~ building mastery

4.Visible & tangible signs of progress

5.Learning how to ask for help

6.Teamwork~ working with others toward a common goal

7.Exercise!

8.Sunshine! 

(you know I'm not finished yet!)

Now that I’ve got you wondering where on earth this blog has wandered… 

My moments… Several months after returning to Texas and getting back into my weekly DBT class and therapy 5 times a week… I was still missing so many of my moments! I had been threatening to volunteer somewhere… probably something to do with animals… maybe people too… like therapeutic horseback riding… or blah blah flimsy blah no commitment blah no plan blah blah. Then another blessing shot through space from my DBT coach/therapist iPhone to mine. “Oh, you want to volunteer? I heard about this…”, “DING!” Oh yeah, and this happened while sitting about three feet from one another during session. No pretending I didn’t get that text! Ha! Kinda kidding… I was terrified but a week later I was at the volunteer orientation for a horse rescue/therapeutic riding center. The next thing I knew I was on the schedule and the last pieces of the Mindfulness puzzle fell into place and into practice. When I began sharing space with these horses it came suddenly and naturally. I didn’t lug in old baggage and I had no expectations. I was aware and willing. I was thoughtful and purposeful. I did my best. I was not ashamed or afraid. I observed, described and participated ~ and I did it non-judgmentally, one-mindfully and down right effectively. And, most unexpectedly, I accomplished all of these things even when humans were in that space too!

I just thought I knew how beneficial working with animals could be. I have a feeling I have only scratched the surface…

Stay available to your moments this NEW year!

Your faveOM~Les

Soylent Green! It's PEOPLE!!!

I have no idea how that title relates to this post... aside from the fact that I have been drawing some "people"... I think they are... "my people"... Sounds very science fiction-y/futuristic(?). ;-) I guess.  Maybe that is the relation?  (Soylent Green is an awesome movie by the way!)

Here be de peeps!

When You're Hot, You're Hot (soft pastel) 7/3/13

They are all named after songs so far... Although the songs have always come during the cropping of the pictures so they really have nothing to do with the creation of the drawing.  But, I thought you all should experience the songs that now sing along with them. :-) 

So... here is Jerry Reed singin' her song... When You're Hot, You're Hot

And now... The Archies singing... Sugar Sugar (i'm gonna make your life so sweet!)

Candy Girl (soft pastel) 7/3/13

I have one more. AND... I haven't quite decided if it's finished yet... look for it and possibly more (???) in the future!  Hahahah!  Future... I crack myself up.  Haha...

Hope everyone had a fabulous 4th!  The sheep and I were a little under the weather yesterday.  Today? Today I am just tired. They are about the same but I believe I have had a lightbulb about them!  Anyway, I am looking forward to working on the door decoration that my mom asked me to help with for her Vacation Bible School (VBS) class that starts Monday.  And, I have a very important art therapy assignment that I am looking forward to working on.  

Be careful out there!  It is a holiday weekend so keep you eyes OPEN on the roads.  Alright? Alright.  

Leslie Cooper,

Your Favorite Oxymoron ;-)

P.S.  I just named the "collection" (ain't that fancy???) Soylent Green! It is my first "collection" and for some reason that whole syfy theme fits with "my (alien) people" in appearance and in my own "alien" existence... berry berry eeeeenteresting...

Who's your best friend?

Here at the NAMI National Convention I have seen a few therapy dogs.  I met one named Max (I believe) yesterday after a fantastic workshop.  He had been sitting quietly behind me the whole time.  Afterward, I asked the lady who he companioned if I could pet the precious pup.  And, I immediately fell in love... At one point when I took my hand back (because I needed it to talk! ha!) I looked back down and I saw the pup looking up at me.  It was a look I couldn't really describe but it has stayed with me.  So, I drew it...

I love a happy mistake! I got to make this cool collage!

After I finished the drawing I thought maybe, just maybe, it was a symbol of my experience at this conference.

I saw this pup and the pup saw me.  We connected.  We shared something.  I'd love to see him again... (be his Facebook friend?  Sorry, you know how I get when I'm uncomfortable.) Ok, seriously! (the ! was for me! and I'll get back to that!!! soon!!! ok... maybe next post!  gotta hurry now!!!)

So, this experience?  I have made wonderful connections.  I have met fabulous people!  I have connected and shared and would love to see and work with these people again!  Maybe I have met some new best friends?  Maybe I have seen my future somewhere in all of it?  Maybe I have been touched???  I know I have been touched.  And, I hope to spread the love.  I hope you feel it.  I can't wait to tell you more.  Now?  I need to change clothes and head to my last session.

Thank you for reading.  I really want to connect.

Gratefully,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Bird's Eye View of My Mind RIGHT NOW!

And... so it is!
An oil pastel drawing I did at the end of the day today. And, like I told ya the first day of the NAMI Convention, I will try to post a picture of something AT LEAST!

I am blown away by the forethought and work that so many people have put in to this thing. I really hope to be a part of the innards ASAP!

And, here's to the last day tomorrow! May all have many insights to take home with them.

Thank you,
Good night!

Leslie Cooper,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

P.S. Any guesses on the type of bird'd eye this could be??? (Liz? any idea on the plural?)
;-)

Say WHAT? (I think it's a good one!)

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."

~Jean-Paul Sartre ~
French Philosopher 1905-1980

I don't (by any means) claim to be a philosopher, as Jean-Paul Sartre was.  Although, I'm pretty sure a synonym to the term is "thinker"... and by golly, I am always thinkin'!  However, having not studied much about the subject, I do not know much about Existentialism or how I feel about the topic.

Here is what I believe.  

We are born and genetically predisposed to some things.  Someone I greatly admire once said this to me, "Leslie, your brain works differently than anyone else's brain.  It is time to remove YOUR judgments about how your brain works.  Then you can start learning how to work with what you've got."  It was simple and profound.  And, it reminds me that I was born with all these parts.  Some work more conventionally than others. 

I also believe ALL of our surroundings and experiences have a HUGE impact on each of us.  (Again, personal belief, I'm no expert!)  Every night these days, I go to sleep listening to a book by Oliver Sacks, An Anthropologist on Mars.  In one of the chapters he is working with a man that regained his sight after over 40 years.  The strangest thing for me was to consider that this man had no experience seeing!  And, on April 3, 2013, as I looked into my beautiful NEW niece's eyes, it seemed so obvious!  She was seeing for the first time.  She was looking at lights and shadows and what babies look at.  She had no idea what shape my face was or the color of my eyes.  She will have to learn through experience and her surroundings exactly what she is seeing.  The man Dr. Oliver Sacks was working with had lived for many years learning about his surroundings, dealing with life's everyday and not so everyday experiences and a quick surgery changed his experience and flipped his surroundings upside down.  The combination of my two experiences got me wondering... HOW MUCH DO OUR EXPERIENCES AND SURROUNDINGS SHAPE OUR LIVES?  Or should I say, teach us how to see the world?   

  

Some people learn at a different pace and some are not able to process things at all.  Let's add faith, family values, societal rules and regulations, social expectations, social awkwardness, wanting to be accepted, different resources, and a whole mess of other things heaped on top.  And, the most unfortunate and beyond our grasp is the trauma some experience... (Are you kidding me???)

Let me see if I can summarize this.  We are all built differently.  We each experience different surroundings.  And, because we are all different, we may be in the same space at the time as someone else AND have very different experiences.  All of these things combined with CHOICE are what begin to teach us how to see the world and in turn begin shaping each of us.  Nature and nurture are just as flawed as we are.

I have already lived many years searching for answers.  Some questions that have plagued me? "WHO AM I?" "Why can't I do this right?"  "How does everyone seem to know how to play the game while I feel like I am on the wrong field?"

Sometimes in order to see the goal... you have to start running FIRST!  Which is why I couldn't see the forrest for the trees!  Also, your goal is your own!

I'll share MY answer now.  I shall quit asking someone to tell me how to do life!  I will do what I think is right and I will DRAW on my knowledge and experience.  I will DRAW on the strength of others!  I will DRAW on my God for wisdom and take His word as truth.  I don't have to have an answer to each question.  When something comes up I can DRAW on the support of my friends, family, therapist, and (a super exciting part!) even strangers!  I don't have to figure out HOW TO LIVE all alone...  And, I can only do one thing at a time.  

Did anybody notice my emphasis on a certain word?  

Another incredible thing I have learned is... I can DRAW or paint, etc. to express my emotions when I don't have the words or the clarity to see them.  I can DRAW to distract and keep my emotions under control until I have help.  Craziest thing?  If I find myself worrying about "How to live?"  I can DRAW something in the room to keep me in the present moment.  

Vincent Van Gogh painted self portraits. I draw Mr. Van Gogh's self portraits! This was one of the first things I have ever drawn... AND, I did it while under mega-distress AND... I got through my moment!  Now that's some crazy if I've ever seen crazy!

So, considering the vastness of humanity and (a bigger word???) for our personal experiences.  My best advice to everyone is to...  Pay attention to how things work and grow!  Try to do things.  Decide what you think is right and wrong.  Ask for help from wise people.  Use your faith as a guide.  Don't give up!!!  Cause according to this Jean-Paul dude... nobody has this "life" thing figured out!

Now, let's get goin'!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

What is your highest level of education?

Q: What is your highest level of education?
A: Well, I have just completed my 35th year of living as a human, on Earth! You?

So... seriously, I know this question has shamed many people over the years. At least as long as formal education has existed... maybe before... I mean, I've even been side-shamed by this one! I once had a boyfriend tell me in an argument (trying to hurt my feelings...) that some girl had said to him, "She didn't even go to college!"

This particular insult never really bothered me. I know that I am an intelligent human being. I know that if I am interested in something I want to soak up every bit of information there is possible to discover about said interest! If I am not interested in something? Well, it's kinda like that something doesn't exist... not always a good thing. I did NOT do well in school. EVER. I barely made it through 2nd grade let alone high school... And, on my Facebook page, you will find "Napping" under the "What did you study in college?" column. I totally mastered that by the way!
Now, (serious again) you won't ever catch me saying that I have always made sound, thoughtful or brilliant choices... every time. That is a whole nuther story! But, college??? I don't have any desire to go and pay for the kind of torture school was for me... EVER AGAIN!

My school of choice? The School of Life! And, I can tell you I have learned some hard lessons. And it's a real good thing I had a chance to repeat some courses! Several times... Biggest lessons so far? Well, I'm glad you asked!

Lesson 1: Every action has a reaction. Everything that happens should have happened considering the circumstances proceeding it. (THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AGREE WITH EVERY HAPPENING!!!)

Lesson 2: I have a choice. I make choices that will alter my future. No matter the burden I feel to make a particular choice, I still have the power to choose.

Lesson 3: The exact reaction to my choice will be dependent on all choices all around the world at that moment and any moments preceding and proceeding my choice AND therefore I cannot predict my future. Neither can you! ;-)

My goal is to somehow make my circumstances work for me and to do the best I can with whatever comes next. I can't turn around and change ANYTHING! I can take my experience and make a new choice! My future holds so many possibilities. Possibilities beyond my comprehension! The exciting (and super scary) part is how each decision or choice or action I take, will continue to shape me. And, that is freedom. It will take hard work and guts! AND, I am worth it!!!

This past year, I began to appreciate the things in my life that make it more livable. In turn, I am living a lot more lovable life.

In no particular order, here are some things I would like to keep in my life or learn during the next and hardest "level of education" thus far...

~ continued learning and growth in my farming... I love me sheeps!
~ close relationships with my family that aren't "too close" a.k.a. "dependent on"
~ development of healthy relationships with those of you out there who are not genetically bound to me...
~ develop my yoga practice and find a schedule that meets (most of) my needs
~ ART EVERY DAY!!! art without judgment! experimental art! art with every emotion! art with "useless" objects! art to soothe myself. art to express myself. art with my niece, Little Lu
~ make yarn! find unusual fun things to do with wool/yarn!
~ to refuse to lie to myself and others about my needs, wants, goals or anything about ME!
~ to be aware of judgments and NOT let them rule me or any part of my life
~ to have a servants heart. to trust my Shepherd and trust His plan.
~ to be mindful
~ to enjoy every ounce of every moment possible!
~ to like myself, learn from myself, to live like someone I would like to learn from!!!
~ to break the rules I have suffocated myself with AND break the rules of having to be "normal" ~for whatever those are worth anyway!
~ stick to my values and morals even at great cost of looking (in some eyes) or feeling (in my own dad-gum head!) foolish
~ say stuff like "dad-gum!" and "boy-howdy!"
~ have a favorite bug! or a tie between two! aka. praying mantis & cicada... not locust... google... ;-)
~ continued expression of ME to YOU on this blog which I hope is a tiny bit helpful (every little bit counts!)
~ to forgive myself
~ to never give up
~ I want to show gratitude and to GIVE BACK!
~ I want to experience things that are in front of me AND beyond me!

And, I want to continue mastering the art of being me! There are four words I've found that pretty much sum it all up... **Remember most words have multiple meanings. I look forward to telling you more about what each of these means to me. :-)
~ DRAW ~ FARM ~ SPIN ~ LIVE ~

So, happy birthday to me! And happy day to you! Hope to see you around...





Warmly,
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

*BONUS FUNNY FACE SHOTS!!!*


*BONUS SHEEPY PICS!*