I'll be back soon!!!

Lots of HUGE things in the works!!!   Just wanted to shout out "what what" to my peeps and let you know things are moving right a long...  And, I'll get something together (in the next coupla days) to summarize what's been going on.

Hugs and love to ALL!!!

Your Favorite Oxymoron...  Leslie Cooper!

My presence is my present...

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! 

Happy Season of GIFTS!

There are many important gifts this season. Gifts to be given, gifts to be received, gifts to be remembered, and gifts to be realized. I'd like to share a bit about the gift I have been enjoying lately and a little about how I came to realize it.

First off, I do want to acknowledge that it has been quite a while since you've heard from me. I want to assure you that it's not been for lack of working toward my goal of building a life worth living... Or out of a desire to keep to myself. I have actually thought of blogging many times since my last post. I was sure that fear or shame were behind my inactivity. As I begin to write this post though... I believe it’s more likely I just hadn't found the right words. Or possibly, I hadn't had the experiences necessary to put those words together and feel like they were correct and complete. Now that I have lived a little more and learned a lot more, I feel that I can express myself and be happy in the fullness of my expression. Now… I'm gonna express myself!

So, this gift I'd like to speak about… it’s a gift I was given the moment I was given life. The gift of that very moment. The gift of each moment. 

I don’t know at what point in my life I was blinded to it. Thoughts about my past or fear of my future began taking over my moments so early on that it is hard to find many clear and happy memories of my childhood or even adulthood. Years of my life were eclipsed by my inability to realize the moments available to me. What a vicious cycle…

As the cycle continued, it increased in its vigor and in its ability to obscure my present. I tried for years to overcome my pervasive depression, anxiety, etc. I tried several different therapists, countless psychotropic medications, self medicating with alcohol and other awful self destructive behavior… Most of these attempts at happiness or at least a life that was somewhat “livable” only opened the doors to more sadness, shame and most of all fear. 

I began weekly classes, aka “skills training”, in Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT) in December 2011. One major attention getter for me in my initial exposure to DBT was a silly little picture and description of the DBT House of Treatment. You can see a picture of it here. I guess what hit home for me most was all of the previous years in therapy that seemed to go nowhere besides the frequent downward spiral. DBT teaches four main skill sets ~ Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. For me, these skills needed to be in place BEFORE I hash out all the old and try to plan for a healthy future. And, I would soon realize how polar opposite my conditioned responses were to (almost all) situations around these topics and the preferred course of action. But, what about this MINDFULNESS business? At least the other stuff, although so ridiculously embarrassingly simple, made sense. Mindfulness seemed like a waste of time. A really REALLY uncomfortable waste of time. Or maybe I should just say… It freaked me the freaky freak out! And I just couldn’t “get it” during the first 10 months of weekly “skills training” classes, additional weekly sessions with my “DBT coach” (still seeing my regular therapist 2-3 times a week). So, after several downward spirals turned into devastating cyclones, my family gave me an ultimatum. This ultimatum took less than a week to spit upon (very different language than I was spitting out at the time). When all was said and done (on this point at least), I made a decision to spend some time in California. Not “on vacation”. Not “visiting friends”. Not “taking some classes”. With the help of my family, I checked myself in to Clearview Women’s Center, a residential mental health facility. It was one of a handful of places where I could completely focus on what I needed to learn in an environment that was safe for me and a little restrained. At Clearview, which has built an entire program around DBT, I would finally come to understand the meaning and benefits of Mindfulness. I learned to breathe at Clearview. I learned to be a witness to my body and mind and not to run from this awareness. I was able to identify triggers for my extreme emotions and I began to notice the role of my physical self in relation to my emotions. I also got lots of practice looking at situations and finding ways to deter or halt my emotions or satisfy some need in a healthy way instead of losing control. I learned about expression through art. I began to see the benefits of healthy relationships. I began to see patterns… good and bad. I became a DBT cheerleader! During my three months at Clearview Women’s Center, I gained a better understanding of what I needed in order to finish out my “basement level” or Stage 1 in the DBT House of Treatment. And, though I was not ready to leave, the money was gone and insurance had denied a final appeal for coverage and I had to leave with no “roof” over my head. I did have a foundation though and it was solid enough to get me through the tumultuous times to come with the knowledge that a rainbow was on the other side of the storms.

If people asked, and even when they didn’t… I’d say that the Clearview Women’s Center had almost everything. The thing they were missing was some interaction with animals. Not just petting them or playing with them (although that’s always a bonus when around animals)… But, as I knew from experience with my sheep (and other animals in my life), the benefits to be gained by working with and around animals are just SO great.

Some examples:

1.The act of taking care of something besides yourself~ humbling AND empowering

2.Problem solving~ dealing with the unexpected

3.Learning new skills~ building mastery

4.Visible & tangible signs of progress

5.Learning how to ask for help

6.Teamwork~ working with others toward a common goal

7.Exercise!

8.Sunshine! 

(you know I'm not finished yet!)

Now that I’ve got you wondering where on earth this blog has wandered… 

My moments… Several months after returning to Texas and getting back into my weekly DBT class and therapy 5 times a week… I was still missing so many of my moments! I had been threatening to volunteer somewhere… probably something to do with animals… maybe people too… like therapeutic horseback riding… or blah blah flimsy blah no commitment blah no plan blah blah. Then another blessing shot through space from my DBT coach/therapist iPhone to mine. “Oh, you want to volunteer? I heard about this…”, “DING!” Oh yeah, and this happened while sitting about three feet from one another during session. No pretending I didn’t get that text! Ha! Kinda kidding… I was terrified but a week later I was at the volunteer orientation for a horse rescue/therapeutic riding center. The next thing I knew I was on the schedule and the last pieces of the Mindfulness puzzle fell into place and into practice. When I began sharing space with these horses it came suddenly and naturally. I didn’t lug in old baggage and I had no expectations. I was aware and willing. I was thoughtful and purposeful. I did my best. I was not ashamed or afraid. I observed, described and participated ~ and I did it non-judgmentally, one-mindfully and down right effectively. And, most unexpectedly, I accomplished all of these things even when humans were in that space too!

I just thought I knew how beneficial working with animals could be. I have a feeling I have only scratched the surface…

Stay available to your moments this NEW year!

Your faveOM~Les

I have 27 "almost finished" drafts in the lineup...

It seems that at least one person noticed... Okay, I'll take that back! Only one person called me out on it. I have an idea a few others will give me "some feedback" during our next converstations.

Why did I have to go and make an "Any Questions???" section on my site anyway??? Here was the Question for today: 

Why haven't I heard from you in a while? I haven't had anything good to read. Are you hiding? lol

(Oh and thanks, RD, for the addition of a compliment! Very wise of you! Hahaha)

The ANSWER??? That is a tough one. I am obviously struggling. I am obviously ashamed that I am STILL struggling.  

There is this song. I heard it first from Willie Nelson, but it was written by Paul Simon. It turns out many (many many) other artist have covered the song as well. It is a song I have wept with or to or because of and sometimes I've just listened to it when I knew I needed a good cry. It gives perspective. Perspective that EVERYONE has something to struggle with. The events in the recent past and most likely in the near future (as we are under a Tornado Warning right now)... remind me how much pain there is in this world. How much loss. Loss. Loss... It pains me just to type the word. Everyone experiences loss. The next step? That is the key! What do you do with the pain? What do you do with the empty space? Where do you go next? Who do you turn to?  

We ALL need community! You can't stand alone! In my Faith, I am forever blessed to have someone by my side. BUT!!! Even as I say that... I want to emphasize that (even my God wants this for me), COMMUNITY IS NECESSARY! Hiding or avoiding community is not a step towards ending the pain. You know what else is necessary? ASKING FOR HELP from your community AND if you don't yet have the "community"?  It's time to start building your own! And, RESTING when you are weak or weary is NECESSARY! That is on of the reasons we NEED community. We need people to call on when we are too weak or too lost! AND... Guess what? We need to be held accountable to others.  Treat ourselves as we would treat others as well as treating others the way you would want to be treated!  

So, yes. I let myself be swallowed up in LOSS. It is a deep place to get out of and takes more energy than I have at times. But, I am still working on it.  

And... My name is Leslie and I go off on tangents sometimes... But, that is why I haven't been finishing posts lately. I am not going to read this again until it is posted.  Otherwise... It could take another nudge before I post. Re-read once!  Going to try and limit myself from going over and over and over again!  Maybe I should just have y'all edit me? Just kidding!  I realize the time involved in that project! Hahaha! I am hopeful that this will get me back in the game!

Oh! And, the song I was referring to earlier! It is a beautiful song. A powerful song.  

I have links for a couple of the artists who have covered it... Amazing to hear the difference between each of them.

Simon & Garfunkel ~ American Tune

Paul Simon ~ American Tune

Willie Nelson w/ Paul Simon on guitar ~ American Tune

Indigo Girls ~ American Tune

Eva Cassity ~ American Tune

Darrell Scott ~ American Tune

Crooked Still ~ American Tune

Curtis Stigers ~ American Tune

Dave Matthews ~ American Tune

Anastasia Barzee ~ American Tune

Glen Phillips ~ American Tune

Storyhill ~ American Tune

Kurt Elling & Metropole Orchestra ~ American Tune

So... that might be more than a couple of versions? And a tiny bit of obsessive-ness showing... Anyway, praying for all of the LOSS being experienced these days. It seems like more all the time...

Next step? Shower and Therapy! Rain shower... and sheepish tornado preparation! Thank the Lord I didn't need to know what I was doing!!!

Good to visit again.

Your Favorite Oxymoron,

Leslie

Say WHAT? (I think it's a good one!)

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."

~Jean-Paul Sartre ~
French Philosopher 1905-1980

I don't (by any means) claim to be a philosopher, as Jean-Paul Sartre was.  Although, I'm pretty sure a synonym to the term is "thinker"... and by golly, I am always thinkin'!  However, having not studied much about the subject, I do not know much about Existentialism or how I feel about the topic.

Here is what I believe.  

We are born and genetically predisposed to some things.  Someone I greatly admire once said this to me, "Leslie, your brain works differently than anyone else's brain.  It is time to remove YOUR judgments about how your brain works.  Then you can start learning how to work with what you've got."  It was simple and profound.  And, it reminds me that I was born with all these parts.  Some work more conventionally than others. 

I also believe ALL of our surroundings and experiences have a HUGE impact on each of us.  (Again, personal belief, I'm no expert!)  Every night these days, I go to sleep listening to a book by Oliver Sacks, An Anthropologist on Mars.  In one of the chapters he is working with a man that regained his sight after over 40 years.  The strangest thing for me was to consider that this man had no experience seeing!  And, on April 3, 2013, as I looked into my beautiful NEW niece's eyes, it seemed so obvious!  She was seeing for the first time.  She was looking at lights and shadows and what babies look at.  She had no idea what shape my face was or the color of my eyes.  She will have to learn through experience and her surroundings exactly what she is seeing.  The man Dr. Oliver Sacks was working with had lived for many years learning about his surroundings, dealing with life's everyday and not so everyday experiences and a quick surgery changed his experience and flipped his surroundings upside down.  The combination of my two experiences got me wondering... HOW MUCH DO OUR EXPERIENCES AND SURROUNDINGS SHAPE OUR LIVES?  Or should I say, teach us how to see the world?   

  

Some people learn at a different pace and some are not able to process things at all.  Let's add faith, family values, societal rules and regulations, social expectations, social awkwardness, wanting to be accepted, different resources, and a whole mess of other things heaped on top.  And, the most unfortunate and beyond our grasp is the trauma some experience... (Are you kidding me???)

Let me see if I can summarize this.  We are all built differently.  We each experience different surroundings.  And, because we are all different, we may be in the same space at the time as someone else AND have very different experiences.  All of these things combined with CHOICE are what begin to teach us how to see the world and in turn begin shaping each of us.  Nature and nurture are just as flawed as we are.

I have already lived many years searching for answers.  Some questions that have plagued me? "WHO AM I?" "Why can't I do this right?"  "How does everyone seem to know how to play the game while I feel like I am on the wrong field?"

Sometimes in order to see the goal... you have to start running FIRST!  Which is why I couldn't see the forrest for the trees!  Also, your goal is your own!

I'll share MY answer now.  I shall quit asking someone to tell me how to do life!  I will do what I think is right and I will DRAW on my knowledge and experience.  I will DRAW on the strength of others!  I will DRAW on my God for wisdom and take His word as truth.  I don't have to have an answer to each question.  When something comes up I can DRAW on the support of my friends, family, therapist, and (a super exciting part!) even strangers!  I don't have to figure out HOW TO LIVE all alone...  And, I can only do one thing at a time.  

Did anybody notice my emphasis on a certain word?  

Another incredible thing I have learned is... I can DRAW or paint, etc. to express my emotions when I don't have the words or the clarity to see them.  I can DRAW to distract and keep my emotions under control until I have help.  Craziest thing?  If I find myself worrying about "How to live?"  I can DRAW something in the room to keep me in the present moment.  

Vincent Van Gogh painted self portraits. I draw Mr. Van Gogh's self portraits! This was one of the first things I have ever drawn... AND, I did it while under mega-distress AND... I got through my moment!  Now that's some crazy if I've ever seen crazy!

So, considering the vastness of humanity and (a bigger word???) for our personal experiences.  My best advice to everyone is to...  Pay attention to how things work and grow!  Try to do things.  Decide what you think is right and wrong.  Ask for help from wise people.  Use your faith as a guide.  Don't give up!!!  Cause according to this Jean-Paul dude... nobody has this "life" thing figured out!

Now, let's get goin'!
Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

fighting to stay afloat...

It has been a long time since I have felt like giving up. Yesterday, I wanted to. Yesterday, I had planned my last post. Yesterday, I canceled my next therapy appointments. I was discouraged and exhausted and I wanted to walk away.

I am writing this now because I will not censor myself when it is uncomfortable. When I am discouraged I will express myself. I will not be afraid of what others think of me.

Today, I need to express that I am in pain. I am suffering. I am sad and lonely. I am so afraid. Today, I am walking, NO crawling, through these next moments when I must continue to learn how to protect myself. I must remember my rainbow. The promise of beauty that I will experience when I make it through this storm. And the next inevitable storms.

Today, I am fighting to stay afloat. Today, I am recommitting to fighting for the life I deserve to live. The life I deserve to enjoy and find fulfilling.

I will keep fighting. I won't stop. It will not always be easy AND it is my choice to continue. I must make it a life worth living. I will fight for ME. I will be stronger because of it.

When I was in California I was introduced to an amazing woman. She guided me through my first real experience with art therapy. I found her and this new and desperately needed form of expression and self discovery invaluable! The project I was given during our final session of 2012 was to somehow depict what I wanted to leave behind. I had never used acrylic paint before (I HAD NEVER EVEN PAINTED BEFORE!) and it turned out to be the perfect medium for this particular project. This is what I painted.
At the end of each session our small group would share our work with one another. This was always the point where I discovered how important what I had expressed really was. Now, I will do my best to explain what this means to me...

I have spent my life running. Running because I thought it was the only escape from my mistakes and from the fear, anger, and shame that burdened me. The problem with that is that I was running into a wall. And each time I hit that wall I ended up more broken and bruised and burdened. But, it was all I knew. It was all I could do. Because I had begun learning other ways to get through these things... the running was what I knew I wanted to leave behind. One of the girls in my group asked me what the thing was covering the bottom of the page. When I painted it I didn't see what I was doing. But, when I looked at it again... what I saw was HUGE! I had tried to cover up my mistake. I had never painted a leg! I just went for it. But, the feet really tripped me up. And I just started painting to cover up the mess. How VERY interesting! Not only did I run to try and escape... But, I hid just as hard. I didn't want anyone to see the mess. I didn't want anyone to know I didn't know what I was doing! I didn't want to look like I was an incompetent fool! When I discovered the significance of this project, I wept. These were the things I wanted to leave behind. I wanted to quit running AND I wanted to quit hiding! The only thing those two actions did for me was to cause me more pain and suffering. And, I wanted to quit damaging myself. I wanted to leave them in the past and try something new.

That is the one of the main reasons I created this blog. It should be pretty impossible for me to run and hide if I continue to use this blog to share my story. I need to share my successes AND my failures. But, considering how many years I ran and hid, I guess I should give myself a break if I get off track every once in a while.

Thanks for reading.

Leslie,
Your Favorite Oxymoron

Why can't we all be 4 years old again?

When things were as simple as the following scenario:

My sister took my niece in for a flu shot. After the shot, Little Lu was crying. And here is the simple fundamental lesson from a 4 year old...

Sister: "It's all over now, why are you crying?"
Little Lu: laughed and said, "Oh! I don't know!"

(This made her giggle for days afterwards.)

Hanging on to suffering is not necessary. And, that's that!

Your Favorite Oxymoron,
Leslie <3